Breathe…And Don’t Blink!
Fragile…. (adjective) easily broken or damaged; an apt description of my state of mind that day, and every other day, for the not quite, one, full week since Friday, September 14th, when Al had had me served with divorce papers in the driveway of our Tabby Lane home.
Even if a hundred years were to pass, the memory of that moment, is as vivid right now, as it was then…almost twelve years ago. That piece of paper, and the betrayal it symbolized, will be forever etched into my mind, and is a not so gentle, reminder of the courage that lies within me. It represents a scar, which proved to be, both, unanswered prayer and asset; responsible for shaping the not always easy, undeniable strength I didn’t know I was capable of possessing, but would, ultimately, guide my path forward. My tie to that time is not about “holding on” to something dear, or being unable to move on with my life; rather it’s about using my own experience as a tool to be honed, and shaped into a resource that potentially holds the power to inspire, encourage, and, maybe even, help others. Each time I write about the pain my children and I experienced, or the utter frustration that such legal actions trigger, and the confusing demands that the judicial system imposes, which is more often than not, ill-equipped to tackle, much less protect against the deception, and manipulation that many an “in-spouse or outlaw” exacts on the targets of their wrath, I’m once again more determined than ever to right the wrongs that abusive, narcissistic spouses create.
Over time, it became abundantly clear in my own personal case, that NO court, NO lawyer, NO judicial process could compel, prompt, or enforce any discovery, or adherence that was “required” of Al. However, as things evolved, I was “gifted” with a couple guardian angels that not only helped me uncover some important information, dates and details; items that I otherwise might not have known, but also became invaluable and treasured sources of support, friendship and fierce loyalty. There were also numerous examples of snakes that aligned themselves alongside Al, and truly fulfilled their potential as serpent’s understudy; providing me, even if by accident, with life lessons and an education that has proved invaluable.
It was just a week or two after my divorce service, that I learned the true character (or lack thereof) of two individuals whose duplicity I had never suspected, but became evident awfully quickly. The first blow was dealt in reference to the “perceived” worth of someone (me) who suddenly found themselves, in the role of the “outspouse,” in a divorce proceeding; and, when the “inspouse” (a.k.a., Al) held such an elevated position of power within, not just the Resort’s company and culture, but the community too, the “outspouse” is not always treated terribly well. Whereas our once highly desirable oceanfront home, with its rich history, stunning charm, and my love of entertaining was a coveted venue for many previous gatherings; be it a mere dozen, or 75 guests, fundraising site, or the perfect backdrop for an Artist’s reception; all of a sudden, both our Tabby Lane home, and I, as only half of the once popular, “power couple,” were now considered “taboo, or off-limits!” My ability to host a gracious, well-planned, and thoughtfully executed event (which I had already successfully accomplished more times than I could count) was suddenly suspect and undesirable? At least that was the bottom line of the message relayed to me, by the “friend” who showed up three to four days following my “service” to inform me, in her very syrupy, yet counterfeit and condescending tone, that she had taken the liberty of advising the “Counsel Board” that our Tabby Lane home would no longer be the location for the Fall Kickoff Gala. Curiously enough, it was that same “friend” who had, just three months earlier, inquired whether Tabby Lane was an option that she could propose to the cancer board committee. It was also that same “friend” who had just visited our California home eight weeks earlier with her husband and two sons; but alas, eight weeks earlier, I wasn’t the subject of “what was sure to be an ugly divorce?” I’m sure that her husband’s business, which also just happened to be the supplier of all the appliances, entertainment systems, and other assorted accoutrements for EACH AND EVERY one of the new building and development projects that Al designed for the Coastal Georgia Resort company, and for which, Al was also responsible for ordering and procuring, was probably just a coincidence…right? That instance marked the first of many occasions when the term “pariah” took on a painfully personal life of its own.
It was around that same time, that I also began to understand the lengths that Al, and his understudy,” Billy Ray would go to, in an effort to hide the truth, hide assets, and manipulate, both people, and a “system of fair play” to achieve their own end! Just a few months into Al’s and my separation, I was trying to adhere to the legal process of discovery, and asked for some accounting records from the Resort’s administration office, so I could thoroughly detail my monthly expenditures per my legal counsel’s direction. Inadvertently, part of the detailed records of the past six months that I had requested, also outlined Billy Ray’s successful efforts to obtain a Resort ID and Expense card for a certain woman, who had traveled with, and was Al’s seaside guest for a week in the summer of 2007, when my children and I were still home in California. Coincidentally, the name on that ID/Expense card for Al’s female visitor, also happened to be the same name of the woman, that Emily had caught exchanging compromising texts and calls with Al, and which Emily had just shared with me 10 days before I was served? Billy Ray’s complicity and involvement in that process sickened me. Prior to that time, for the previous five years or more, Billy Ray, his family, and our family had all grown together as friends. In addition to Billy Ray being Al’s protégé, and following his every move and footstep in Georgia, while swiftly climbing up the company’s chain of command, we had all celebrated birthdays and many, many other occasions together. Billy Ray and his family had also spent the past four, 4th Of July holidays with us at our home in California. That was a betrayal and “hit” I wasn’t prepared for at the time; but it was also just one of the many that were to follow. Sadly, for Billy Ray’s beautiful wife and their children, Al’s example, and Billy Ray’s knack at being a very “quick study” must have provided the perfectly detailed road map and game plan that Billy Ray would, once again, copy from Al and exact the very same actions, and damage against his own family just seven years later. In fact, it was my daughter, Emily, just 16 at the time of Al’s betrayal and subsequent divorce service, who once said to me, “Mom, I am afraid that Billy Ray’s wife is staring down the barrel of the same gun that just shot you!” Sure enough that was exactly the case.
As Eric Church sings so perfectly, and appropriately, ”Rattlesnake and Copperhead!”
It wouldn’t be honest, or completely straightforward of me, nor true to my “glass is half full” perspective on life, if I failed to share the flip side of people’s ugly natures, by recounting a memory of a uniquely genuine person, one who I had known for several years, but only on a fairly surface level. That was about to change… and in a profoundly impressionable and lasting way. Even though she’s now gone, her wisdom, experience, and the (kind, yet firm) “schooling” she shared with me will last for, at least my lifetime, and hopefully far beyond! I’ve shared before in previous blog posts, that Fridays had become a dreaded day. My divorce service had occurred on Friday, and it was the following Friday, September 21st, 2007, when I would make the dreaded trip from the quiet little seaside island on Georgia’s coast to the big city of Atlanta, all by my lonesome, tentative self. At that point, I had no idea where Al was; he had been noticeably absent for most of the past two weeks, with the exception of the Rose delivery, just three days earlier on Tuesday, and even then, I hadn’t seen him, but had instead, only exchanged a few curt words via telephone. The Lear Jet, wearing tail number N692** parked mostly, at McKinnon airfield just a few miles down the road, made it impossibly easy for Al to come and go as he pleased. And again, as I was “the outspouse,” and because Georgia law “mandated” significantly different parameters than our home state of California would have offered, I wasn’t permitted to leave the county, either with or without our children, unless I had Al’s express permission. However, that particular Friday, I didn’t know that yet. I did know that I needed to meet with attorneys (at the very least…one attorney that fit the bill) and had been given a few referrals in Atlanta. It was pretty clear that the small, “good-ole boy” environment of Southeast Georgia would not afford me the greatest pool of trustworthy prospects. Every person in that region knew the company Al worked for, and also knew that, not only was Al a high profile entity in the community and company on his own, but Al also served on the company’s Board of Directors, which in and of itself, wielded a great deal of power and influence. No…if I was to have any shot of fair, and competent representation, I’d need to access a shark that swam in different waters. I arranged for a dear and trusted friend, who knew the situation, and who was also someone my kids loved and felt comfortable with, to both take, and pick Emily and PJ up from school that day, so I could make the first flight out of Brunswick at 6:30 that Friday morning and fly to Atlanta. I had been in Atlanta a number times before, and knew my way around some of the nicer areas and shopping destinations; this, however, would be my first time making the trip alone, and tasked with a very different mission. I sat in the small Brunswick airport’s waiting room anxious to board my flight, and get a start on what I was sure would prove to be an absolutely beastly day. Lost in thought and trying to avoid eye contact with anyone that I might potentially know, I heard the distinctly familiar, and somewhat husky voice of a sharply dressed, attractive and “quick as a whip” powerhouse Real Estate guru, who had just gracefully lowered herself into the chair next to my own. I didn’t know her well, but felt oddly at ease, that she was the person I had encountered and who was now sitting beside me. She put her hand on my knee, and told me to jot down a few notes; in many ways, I felt like my sister, Viv, was the one there, beside me. Remember, she said, “this is about jurisdiction; where do you vote, where are your cars registered, in what state do you hold driver’s licenses, and in what state do you pay taxes?” She continued on, saying that I could do this! She knew that the little Coastal community could make you feel like you were in the center of a fish bowl, with everyone’s vision fixed on, and waiting for, you to fail…but that I had more support than I knew, and this was my chance to prove my own strength and integrity, to both myself and my children! I was just finishing writing and softly expressing my gratitude, when we were called to board our flight; she rose from the seat next to me, as I gathered my notebook and stood up myself. With a quick hug, she whispered this parting phrase…”Breathe, and don’t blink!” Our seats were at opposite ends of the plane’s cabin, but it gave me a chance to review my notes, and take in the gravity of all her sage advice; most importantly, I needed to remember Georgia was not the correct jurisdiction for this divorce, and I was going to need to “pull on my big-girl panties” and be prepared for the fight ahead! That unexpected, but heartfelt pep talk was the perfect antidote for the beastly day I knew was ahead, and the journey that was sure to follow! Little did I know that three years later, I would still be engaged in legal battles with Al, and once again, that same guardian angel, who was still keeping watch on our legal “match up,” would share another major pearl of wisdom; this time the lifeline was sent via email. It called my attention to an asset that Al had failed to disclose, but which would be revealed during a Deposition with my California attorneys, after my second “divine intervention.”
By that time, Al had taken his obstinance and obsessive need for control to lengths I never imagined possible. In addition to the initial year of jurisdiction wrangling in Georgia, Al had filed several other motions challenging the Marital Settlement Agreement we had executed in Georgia; he refused to comply with that same Agreement, which had since been filed in California, as a “sister state judgement;” he also filed a Voluntary Bankruptcy Case in California to “stay” any enforcement of our MSA; and he had initiated several different lawsuits in New York, alleging and laying the framework to suggest that he had been the target of a “RICO/PONZI” scheme, which would preclude his ability to pay any part of our Settlement Agreement. It appeared there were no lengths he wouldn’t go to, in order to thwart my ability to move forward or obtain any financial satisfaction. Al’s venomous focus was not just fixed on me; his fury and vindictiveness directly impacted our children as well. He patently refused to comply with our housing provision of the MSA, denying his children the security of a stable home. While I’m fairly sure in the first few years of our separation, and the subsequent divorce, Al saw Emily and PJ for an occasional lunch or dinner, they never spent a single night with him, for well over two-three years following our move back home to California. He even went so far as to have movers pack the contents of our children’s bedrooms from our/their childhood home, which Al retained, and put their belongings in storage along with mine, for over two and a half years. From September 7th, 2008 through August 30th, 2010, my children and I moved FIVE times, and lived in FOUR different rentals, with each renewal over those two years happening at two-three month intervals, thus preventing any sense of stability and continuity. I’ve always understood that divorce has the potential to bring out the absolute worst qualities in a person; while “all’s fair in love and war” (so the saying goes), it was unfathomable to me that a parent could care so little about his children’s well-being; Al proved me wrong, as that’s exactly how he treated our children! Billy Ray, at one point, snapped at me saying, “Al said his first set of kids had ‘gotten over it’ and so would Emily and PJ?” All I could say was, “gosh, that’s a pretty sad commentary on the type of father and man that Al’s turned out to be?”
What I’d like now… is an opportunity to confront Billy Ray and “congratulate” him on becoming an almost exact replica (with the minor distinction of a few inches in height) of the snake, whose example he followed!
A couple suggestions…
-Document everything, always.
-Keep the truth on your side.
-Remember…“To whom much is given, much is expected.”
-Please know too, that our children are so much smarter than we realize, give them credit for, and they know way more than we would wish for them. Don’t make excuses for anyone treating them or yourself poorly, and while you do not want to “involve” them in your marriage, or in some cases, your divorce, always be honest with them… Sometimes protecting them at one moment, can be a curse the next.
To Al and Billy Ray’s children, I can only say how honored I am to call a couple of you mine, and to know each of you; how sorry I am that those two men are your fathers…not any kind of role model, I would have wished for any of you. However, I can promise all of you that your mothers love you more than anyone could imagine, and although your fathers may not show an interest in being a part of your world, they are missing out on the greatest privilege in life…YOU! And please, never forget, “You are stronger than you think” and the most beautiful beings our world may ever know.
To Billy Ray’s original, best, and first wife, thank you for being exactly who you are, forever friend, and one of my most trusted blessings; I remain grateful to our two “snakes” for bringing us together and giving us the power to travel this road side by side (and here’s to The Maverick, Cowboys and Bentley’s) .
#angelsamongus #rattlesnakecopperhead #lifelessons #thetruthshallsetyoufree #breathedontblink
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