“You’re Either at the Table…or on the Menu!”
Apparently, that’s a pretty notorious quote from an equally infamous individual. While it’s not a quote that I’ve known for a long time, it’s probably one that I should have? I wonder if it would have made a difference that day…..Saturday, November 28, 1992?
A couple weeks ago, I had the opportunity to enjoy a “mini reunion” with a dear friend from the past. Over what was suppose to be just one quick glass of wine, we sat reminiscing about our first meeting, our experiences in real estate, both of us becoming new Mothers at the same time, and toasting to the easy rapport that we still enjoyed. It’s always striking to me how some people have a way of “staying” with you, no matter how much time lapses between visits; this friend is no exception. That small glass of wine turned into almost two hours, and a stream of conversation that seemed nearly impossible to end. We caught each other up on our lives, families, current interests and projects, and promised to stay more closely in touch, now that we were both living in the same town again. It was just a couple days later, when we happened to talk again, this time on the phone, and she told me she had found my “Dear Easy” blog and read each post. She asked why I called my Ex-husband, “Al” in my posts? After all, she had met him years before; she and her husband had been at Emily’s Christening and a number of other occasions at our home; she knew exactly who he was. She wondered whether my using an “alias” to cover his real identity, didn’t somehow diminish the impact that my very real experiences had had on my life, my children’s lives, the abuse we had survived, so many years of pain and lies, and whether the alias would affect the sincerity of my blog? It was one of those moments that takes you aback and prompts some serious self-reflection…which is what I’ve been doing since. One of my objectives in starting this blog was to continue the healing process I began years ago, and hopefully reach other “outspouses” or troubled partners in dysfunctional relationships, and try to spread a message of hope, support, and to encourage strength, on the path of moving past narcissistic, or any type of abuse.
Outspouse (n.): Typically a woman who has been married for many years (usually most of her entire adult life) is faced with divorce and for whatever reason has absolutely no clue about the couples financial picture. She is called the “Outspouse.” The “Inspouse” (often the male, in heterosexual marriages) has all the knowledge-and therefore all the power; knows what assets and debts the couple has, as well as how much money comes in and goes out each month, year, etc… In divorce as in marriage the “Outtie” will be much more vulnerable.
If you’ve been reading DearEasyDiaries, particularly my last post, it means you know about my ADD, my propensity for naiveté, my proclivity for dancing on pool tables, as well as my on-going, albeit most always inadvertent, “continuing education,” and especially my commitment to personal authenticity. That phone call and conversation with my “old friend” got me thinking. I haven’t double-checked the exact order in which my post called, “Money, Marriage, Mafia and Saudi Arabia” appeared on the blog, but I do know it was June, and the beginning of summer. I remember that because shortly after that particular post, Santa Ynez was experiencing an unusually early, summer heatwave; I was doing some computer work inside the house to escape the hot afternoon sun in the welcome relief of air-conditioning, when “Dear Easy” received an email from an attorney in New York, who had been hired by “Al, my Ex” to send a “Cease and Desist” letter, and the threat of a potential Defamation Lawsuit. The lawyer recited, chapter and verse, for page after page, all the ways that I was, supposedly, being injurious to his client by making so many “false allegations.” I was given a specific date by which I had to respond, and was further “directed” to stop the retelling of my truth, or I would face serious legal consequences. My immediate reaction was one of fear, and I was instantly transported back in time. That trip down memory lane didn’t just revisit the hundreds of thousands of tears, worries, dollars, emails, lies, threats from lawyers, court dates, negotiations and renegotiations over the past 13 years. It also symbolized the invisible, yet undeniable ghost, and power, that I still sometimes fight and find reappears from time to time as a dark cloud hovering above. From September, 2007 through last December, 2019, the fear and nausea that could be, almost instantaneously, triggered by an unexpected email or call from any variety of lawyers was a daily reality. All of that changed last December 14, 2019, when the milestone of my son’s graduation from college marked the end of any leverage or “bombshell” threats my Ex held over my life. The legal journey and education that governed my life, beginning in September, 2007 was finally over, or was it? While my gut reaction to the New York lawyer’s email this past June was disconcerting, I also, surprisingly and simultaneously, felt a sliver of relief. I was newly, and sharply, aware that the door to any potential threat, my Ex might use against me regarding my children’s future, and welfare, had been slammed firmly and permanently shut, with the finality of my Son’s graduation. For the first time since 1991, when I became a Mother, creating an unseverable connection to Al, the fear from years and years of lies, threats and secrets, was now supplemented with more self-confidence, more strength, and much more knowledge. While my distrust hasn’t been completely assuaged (though maybe that will happen someday too), I’ve taken at least another step towards piecing together and strengthening the emotional puzzle I am reconstructing. Again, as with the millions of instances that occurred between 2007 and 2019, on each occasion when I get “pinged” (said like the “ping” in ping-pong) by one of my Ex’s “foxes,” “flying monkeys,” or even himself, I immediately reach out to someone from my own team of legal counsel. After forwarding the suspect “Cease and Desist” email and then later, when discussing the matter with my attorney, he explained that a “Defamation” suit is particularly and uniquely difficult to prove, because you are charged with proving a negative. For example, if my Ex sued me for Defamation because I wrote about something he had done but was trying to cover up, and I knew it to be true and had documentation to prove it; Al would have to provide evidence or documentation that would show my claim to be untrue. It often happens in such a case that the “unsealing” of legal documents, or even subpoenaing witnesses, is necessary to prove that the person alleging the “Defamation” claim is, in fact, correct? Turns out that’s not always easy. Like everything else in the legal system, it’s complicated, tedious and usually the cause of one “ginormous” headache. That said, I’ve “revisited” the question my friend raised many times, and given a great deal of thought to the use of Al’s real name, as well as the consequences of my “outspouse” status, and my commitment to authenticity.
My response to that Cease and Desist email in June, was to create a shield for, or more likely a barrier from, my Ex….by creating an “alias name” for him, and a blanket disclaimer for myself, but in retrospect, I wonder if it was a bit cowardly on my part? Defamation, by definition includes the spreading or telling of “falsehoods;” there is nothing that I’m writing which isn’t the truth, and which I can substantiate with documentation! Did that decision to assign alias’s discount the weight of my truths, experiences and the decades of deception that my children and I experienced? Did that decision change all the cheating and stealing Al has committed throughout his life (be it rare Gandhara sculptures, from Pakistan when he worked on the New Delhi Embassy, and the Nuclear Research Center near Islamabad, or the millions embezzled from a Saudi Arabian Prince, detailed in the same “DearEasyDiaries” post that precipitated the New York attorney’s threatening email? Did that decision diminish my goal of empowering other “outspouses,” by openly revealing the truth behind the “glossy picture” that wasn’t, in reality, all that glossy and in fact didn’t actually represent much of our life, nor my Ex, or the real pain and damages that I, and so many other victims of narcissistic, and other, abuse, experience? Lastly, did that decision, somehow, make Al’s abuse go away, or make it any less damaging, or in any way, sweep it under the rug? The conclusion I came to was a resounding NO!
Gandhara sculptures graced the hallways, shelves and many other spaces of our Santa Ynez home…
“DearEasyDiaries,” and the alias, that I “gifted” my Ex, was not intended for his protection, but rather to safely share the truth, shed light on Narcissists and the damage they do, and to reinforce the newly discovered strength and sense of self, I’ve been rebuilding for myself and want to prove is possible for anyone who has, or is still enduring a false and painful life! The name I chose, whether it be “AL” or any number of other possible substitutions I might have chosen, will NEVER change the chameleon that Al proved to be, the ugly and twisted lengths he went to in order to subvert the “system,” and create his desired outcome, nor would it alter the enormity of other pain he caused! Al knows it, I know it, and so do a legion of attorneys, a few therapists, and all the foxes and “flying monkeys,” that flock around Al too! “Dear EasyDiaries” and Al’s alias is a way to reach out and encourage anyone struggling with the abuse of a controlling, manipulative, sociopathic Narcissist to move forward…..KNOWING that there’s so much more out there; so much more that can help put an end to the pain that is endured in such a destructive relationship! Having sources, reliable information, or at least the knowledge that surviving and moving on is possible, and has happened for others, is a comfort in itself. And so, “Al” it is, and as time will prove, that choice of alias is more “fitting” than I ever could have imagined?
It seems odd to, publicly, share the weird eccentricities that the years have shown are an integral part of who I am, but it’s also sometimes comforting to really know, and accept, those little details. Plus, in my mind, I feel like anyone who is now, or has read my blog before, is not just a “reader,” but a new kind of friend, and deserves the trust that I’m sharing with you here. Random oddities like the fact that I love "white noise" are absolutely not the type of details that I would ordinarily share in personal conversations. Did the “white noise” realization occur as a part of my writing process that's developed over the past thirteen years, or has it always existed, and I just became more acutely aware of it since 2007, when I started writing Dear Easy? Either way, it's real, very VERY real, and as I think more about it, I suppose it WAS always there. WHETHER IT WAS MUSIC, THE WEATHER CHANNEL, EVEN FOX NEWS, OR AL’S CONSTANT DRONE OF SPORTS 24/7, MY MIND NEEDED AND BENEFITTED FROM THE DISTRACTION OF BACKGROUND NOISE!
September 14th, 2007 changed all that! My need for white noise and background distraction remained, but my daily routine was abruptly and hugely different. I’d get the kid’s breakfast ready, drive them to school, return to Tabby Lane, and begin, furiously, walking the beach from Twelfth Street to 36th Street, at which point, an immediate, disciplined ,“U turn” would follow, and then an equally-driven stride all the way back down the sidewalk that edged Sea Island's main drive to the safety of Cottage 64 which had become a white brick fortress, and one of the few places where I felt safe. My mornings and mind raced, with all kinds of tormented thoughts, as either the wind, waves and beach-dwelling birds on the ocean side, or the sounds of car and construction traffic on the drive, filled the airspace around me on my daily walk with Jerrico by my side. Originally, I had always made those morning walks with Grace and Charlotte, our two Pembroke Welsh Corgis,who proved to be both, my children’s anchors as well as live, constant shadows and “security blankets,” especially through the newest, most recent shake up, which had rocked the foundation of everything Emily, PJ and I knew. Charlotte was, now, spending Monday through Friday in the make-shift “homeschool” we had set up for PJ down the drive with his two-person team of teachers, who had been hired as a “band-aid” to help smooth his transition from traditional school, until a more permanent schooling solution could be found. Grace, Emily’s loyal roommate, confidant and “best friend,” was aging a bit, at 11 years and the four tiny, little legs, which carried her long frame, simply weren’t able to keep up with my new, more determined pace. The powerful tempo, combined with the very fierce demeanor and appearance of Jerrico, our handsome German Shepherd, forced into early retirement from a successful show career due to a medical misdiagnosis many months earlier, was the perfect replacement. Jerrico’s already protective nature, finely sharpened by the addition of his role as family “sentry” was intense, to say the least. In light of Al’s recent absence from our daily lives, Jerrico, in keeping with his breed characteristics, had stepped up in an even more pronounced way, and the aura he gave off was profoundly formidable. It wasn’t uncommon for people to cross the drive in order to avoid, directly, passing us on our walks, and the same thing occurred on the beach side; people would see us heading in their direction, and immediately turn around or just forego their walk altogether and make a quick break down whatever side street happened to be closest. While before September 14th, 2007, I had always welcomed the social interactions my morning walks might bring, I now wanted nothing to do with idle chit-chat
or the probing words and looks that were often directed my way. My friend, Lana, used to allege that we, the Capones, “had become something akin to the first family of Sea Island” as a result of Al’s overwhelming impact, and our past many years at The Resort. While I found Lana’s sentiment sweet, and very flattering, it might have also been a “tad” biased, and slightly overstated, so I never took it very seriously. However, the developments surrounding our personal family drama had certainly generated a heightened level of curiosity about the workings of the Capone household, and the downright ugliness, judgement and dispersions that some people cast our way were almost unbearable. Jerrico afforded me an escape from the prying, and probing questions that I might have been peppered with, had he not been constantly by my side. Once back inside Cottage 64, and in an effort to avoid the outside world, (at least until 3:30 each day when I'd pick up my kids from their respective schools), I busied myself with the chores of trying to keep my house and home somewhat together, in addition to my new “job” of compiling paperwork, information and corresponding with lawyers. One day several weeks after settling into this, no longer new, but still unwelcome, and disconcerting routine, I had just hung up from a particularly long, troubling phone call with my new legal counsel, and desperately needed an escape from the reality which had become my life. The Weather Channel just wasn’t working any longer to mask the never-ending turmoil that had infiltrated our lives and occupied my mind. A week earlier, I had let our housekeeper go, as she was hired and paid by Al; I know…..it seemed a touch paranoid, but I just couldn’t trust those kind of “peripheral” people anymore; actually, I didn’t know who to trust? In fact, I was no longer able to view many of my Sea Island, St. Simon’s, Georgia resort relationships in the same light. Al may have not treated everybody with the respect I would have hoped, or even with the common courtesy that they deserved, but his design, reinvention and actual recreation of the ENTIRE RESORT “plant,” that spanned, literally, the geography of two islands was undeniably real, quite brilliant, and his presence wielded enormous power. Already, a couple members of my Bunko group had been sharing, spreading and disclosing intimate information about our legal proceedings. Only the local “hack” attorney, (Al’s, own admission, about his initial legal counsel), and also one of the Bunko girl’s husbands, could possibly have had access to that kind of information. Their children were taunting Emily at school, and it didn’t stop there. People I thought were friends, people with whom our entire family and I had spent much time, and I previously thought highly of, were all of a sudden distancing themselves, carefully steering clear of me and my children. I was left to watch them and their families “pal around with,” and behave almost like they were protecting, and “cheering for” Al? I quickly learned the value that “season, box tickets to Jacksonville and Atlanta football games, or any number of other activities and destinations, via the transportation of a Lear Jet” represented. My very existence, as well as several personal “friendships” seemed to be summarily, and suddenly, trumped by Al’s influence and wealth. People that had been treated as “dupes and pawns” by Al over the past 10-12 years were suddenly his fierce allies, included in Al’s life in a way he would never have considered previously, and the only one being “duped” anymore was me. The list of those “types” of people grew longer each day. There were a handful of people who sought me out to express their loyalty to me and my children, and those few people are still in my life today, thirteen years later. I could sense, early on in the process, when I was told, on a few separate occasions by some brave souls, that Al had no impact on them, their lives or their businesses, and that I could count on their support, that the road ahead was sure to be filled with division and a troubling combination of issues. I was also reminded by that distinctly “short list” of people, that sincerity and decency did still exist, even if those instances and the harbingers of those examples were clearly the exception, not the rule.
With all of the events and discoveries that accompanied my recent situation, I found new sources of “white noise” to help block out the reel of crushing disruption that was playing on repeat in my brain. One click downward on the remote from The Weather Channel found me at “Fox News;” in the past that channel always brought to mind an instant mental image of my Mother, who was an absolute addict of the show, and might have even had a little crush on Bill O’Reilly? All of a sudden, that network, and my Mom’s invisible presence brought me an odd source of comfort. In addition to feeling familiar and slightly soothing, it was also a bit numbing, and the steady stream of voices that seemingly went on forever brought both a predictable pattern, and a forced reminder of how blessed (even in the midst of a personal tsunami) I really was. Unfortunately, there is always some individual or situation that is worse than your own, and Fox News did help distract me from the constant barrage of questions that continued to pop up in my mind and daily routine. The endless calls, faxes and questions from the lawyers “working on my behalf” never seemed to end, just as those same lawyers were never satisfied with my answers? It didn’t matter that I kept really careful notes and chronicled every event in my datebooks, no matter how insignificant or trivial they might have appeared; I could never seem to catch up to the avalanche of attacks, challenges, and hourly fees coming my way. It didn’t help that, being the mercurial being that he was, Al’s mood and treatment of both our status, and our family, was like being given an “E ticket,” to a non-stop, whiplash ride on the world’s most extreme roller-coaster. The ups and downs never stopped, and each high and low was matched by the emotional waves one might expect from such constant and continuous daily disruption. Looking back, it’s easier to see the shift and the progression of how it all evolved, but in the moment, I felt like I was dodging bullets all day, every day. Al would get ticked off by some event or communication, then “twist” the actual happening, fire off ammunition (truthful or not) to his attorney, who was already thoroughly enjoying the limelight this case was affording him, and next thing I knew, I was answering calls and defending myself to my own lawyer, about an issue that was 95% of the time flawed on its face, and was nowhere close to resembling fact. Worse still, I was paying dearly, in every single way imaginable, for that very treatment.
It took me much longer than it probably should have, and I’m still not 100% sure I know the whole, complicated, labyrinth of Al’s strategy during our divorce and its aftermath, or if he even had one, other than to serve and satisfy his personal ego? Only recently, have I become so overtly aware of his narcissistic tendencies and all the “foxes” he enlisted to do his bidding. I still, TODAY, find myself reeling from the facts that continue to come to light, and, most certainly from the ones that hold the power to weaken my knees, again!
Al’s personal circus includes at least two Foxes (a CPA and an attorney), and “Flying Monkeys” by the dozen….assistants, real estate agents, business partners, or associates, children, girlfriends, neighbors, art dealers, car buddies, and last but not least, a few “friends,” some sisters, as well as a prior employee or two.
No matter how contentious, or troubled some of the early parts of our relationship were, or the recurring theme of “on and off again” turmoil that consumed our life together, even prior to September, 2007, it never occurred to me that I should, with stealth precision, examine and question each and every one of Al’s motives, from the day I said “I do,” or even before? It’s curious, and actually even creepy (now) that the song Al proclaimed was his choice for me, during our first year together, was “Every Breath You Take,” by The Police. If you’ve ever carefully listened to the words, it should definitely raise both an eyebrow and a little concern, but instead, at the time I can remember thinking, it must mean he didn’t want to lose me? Clearly I needed either a kick in the ass, a healthy shot of self-confidence or a good dose of therapy, far before I actually realized what was happening! Maybe I never really understood the depths Al would go to in order to achieve his own ends, even at the cost of his children’s security and well-being; nor did I comprehend, then, the profound amount of lies and the level of deceit Al had already exacted, and was, apparently, ready to repeat! Looking back, I feel like there should have been someone standing on the sideline of our lives when the divorce proceeding began (if not before), loudly playing the theme music to the movie, “Jaws” on repeat.
Lyrics to the song…
Every breath you take
And every move you make
Every bond you break, every step you take
I'll be watchin' you
Every single day
And every word you say
Every game you play, every night you stay
I'll be watchin' you
Oh, can't you see
You belong to me?
How my poor heart aches
With every step you take
Every move you make
And every vow you break
Every smile you fake, every claim you stake
I'll be watchin' you
Since you've gone I've been lost without a trace
I dream at night, I can only see your face
I look around but it's you I can't replace
I feel so cold and I long for your embrace
I keep cryin', "Baby, baby, please"
Oh, can't you see
You belong to me?
How my poor heart aches
With every step you take
Every move you make
And every vow you break
Every smile you fake, every claim you stake
I'll be watchin' you
Every move you make, every step you take
I'll be watchin' you
I'll be watchin' you
Every breath you take, every move you make
Every bond you break (I'll be watchin' you)
Every single day, every word you say
Every game you play (I'll be watchin' you)
Every move you make, every vow you break
Every smile you fake (I'll be watchin' you)
Every single day, every word you say
Every game you play (I'll be watchin' you)
Every breath you take, every move you make
Every bond you break (I'll be watchin' you)
Every single day, every word you say
Every game you play (I'll be watchin' you)
Every move you make, every vow you break
Every smile you fake (I'll be watchin' you)
Every single day, every word you say
Every game you play (I'll be watchin' you)
~The Police
It became apparent after awhile, that my practice of documenting EVERYTHING was both necessary and advantageous! A couple months into our separation I received a letter, via the new, but then usual chain of communication…..Al to his attorney, his attorney to my attorney, and finally my attorney to me. That one, tiny little example of the ongoing, intricate and abundant connection of links that were just beginning to attach themselves to every aspect of my new reality would eventually take on a life of their own, and not a pleasant life either! The bizarre accusations and lies that Al continued to tell, and still does today, is frightening! My job for the next 13 years was to provide documentation that accurately refuted Al’s numerous and false claims, and his subsequent dodging of every agreement that came his way, whether he initiated, negotiated, and signed on to them or not. There ended up being far too many to count, but I have a main computer, as well as recorded back-up with (1 million megabytes) of data that store it all.
Today, my need for white-noise and background is still alive and well, but once again, I’m finding it’s helpful to mix up the source of background distraction to sufficiently drown out, or, rather, put into proper perspective, the new issues that have been “popping-up” recently. As usual, when and where Al is concerned, I start off feeling like I’m “treading water” in the deepest ocean, but this time…..IT’S different! This time, I know about the “foxes, and flying monkeys,” the steady stream of lies, the 1031 exchanges, the elaborate chain of titles (covertly “connecting the Fox to the Hen House”), the perjured depositions and the multiple frauds, committed all across the country; all of which, have the distinction of possessing one or two particular FOXES (not the cute kind) in common! Pretty sure that the Jaw’s theme song is not as relevant today, but I am 100 percent positive that Eric Church’s song, “The Snake” is dead on!
Maybe another month or two after DearEasyDiaries received the “Cease and Desist” letter from Al’s New York attorney, we (“DearEasy” and I) were sent another email; this one didn’t come with any legal signatures, though. It was just an “attachment.” That attachment is shown above, as well as holding a space in my brain, and it is an ACTUAL “entry” from a Nassau County, New York, official, but public website. It reflects a list of “actions” entered into the courts citing Al’s name and all the corresponding cases that he was involved in. Al, no middle initial, Capone, had a litany of assorted legal actions tied to his name. The one (or many) that caught my attention are repeated numerous times and all mention the same charge and corresponding date of the filing. Thirty-one years after meeting Al, two children, and thirteen years following our divorce, one might hope that such a long history and painstaking evolution, would replace the trail of chaos with even a small measure of peace? Apparently, though, the time passed has still not been long enough. Al’s life, his past, and his very “being” is still very much a mystery. When we first met and during our whirlwind courtship, I took Al at his word for the emotional stories of his sad and broken childhood, as well as the subsequent details of his failed first marriage, and all of his hopes for a second chance and brighter future with a new family. Aside, though, from the few details he shared about “his ex-wife being damaged goods” or his claim that he “had escaped the neighborhood, circumstances and squalor of his upbringing,” Al was, otherwise, not forthcoming with many personal or emotional sentiments at all. He was also resolute in his unwillingness to introduce me, and later on both my children and me, to his two sisters and their children, who had expressed several times, on both the phone and in notes, their desire to meet us, just as we wanted to meet them? I didn’t understand why it was so forbidden, or such a taboo topic for Al; I’m still not sure I do now? As I continue to excavate the bones buried in the past, some of the shroud of mystery appears to be lifting, and maybe I will get a clearer understanding the more “digging” I do? For the first five years of our relationship we were, often living, not even 40 miles away from the only two remaining members of his family of origin, and their families, but all Al wanted to do was to forget them, his background, and hoped that I would do the same.
From the beginning to the end of my time with Al, and more times in between than I could begin to enumerate, Al was always being asked if he was related to the “real Capone?” His answer never wavered……the response was unfailingly this, “when I need to be!”
I never thought his response was anything more than a simple “tongue-in-cheek” dismissal of the person making the inquiry. Was I wrong?
During the many months, when Al was dealing with the embezzlement lawsuit filed against him (shortly after our wedding), he had originally, desperately, wanted me and Emily, to be there in New York with him; he even said “he needed us.” After a month or so, Al seemed to recover from the initial “blow;” I was kept around and welcome to do secretarial and office packing chores, but was kept well “out of the loop” from knowing any of the inside, pertinent details, and was also never made aware of the exact settlement terms…..married or not. It was one afternoon, sometime before the settlement was finalized, while sitting at the outside bar of Al’s beachside club, The Crescent, that I overheard four men, sitting a few barstools down, talking quite animatedly, with Al, and discussing whether Al wanted “the Fat Rat to be taken care of?” I remember feeling a chill run down my spine, and for the first time since I met Al, found myself seriously questioning, who was it that I just married and already had a child with? Those men sitting just a few feet away, offering to “have someone taken care of” at Al’s cue, and on his behalf, were deadly serious (no pun intended)! Ever since that experience, and many, many times since, I can’t say that I haven’t wondered about the “real Capone” question.
Before I met Al, and during the years that followed our divorce (apparently, as well as DURING our marriage), Al has had many girlfriends, and as I would find out later, some of them I knew, with one of the women even purporting to be my friend? In the years following his Bankruptcy filing in 2010, I saw an article online about a relationship he had had with the ex-wife of one of the Rolling Stones. It was June 17, 2010, (just three months after Al filed a Bankruptcy case in California) a well-known, U.K. publication, “The Telegraph” published an article regarding a Ms. Jo Wood, who was quoted while discussing her “tryst with Al Capone’s grandson,” saying Capone, a 70 year old architect, was “lovely, a perfect gentlemen!” Could it really be true? It would surely explain a great many “holes” in my knowledge of his life, “pre-me!” Certainly, Al could be charming, and I’d never take away his gift as a talented architect, planner and designer; after all, he has an architectural legacy around the world to his credit. He also has eight decades worth of experience practicing and honing his skills as a Narcissist……at which he’s equally masterful.
Only very recently, did it occur to me, that I my years with and after Al, exemplify the quote above. Like, the “Fat Rat” mentioned earlier, I’ve had the unique distinction of being both, “at the table and on the menu!”
If it weren’t for the fact that we had two children together, maybe I could just let it all go? Maybe there will be a time, when all the ugly little lies that Al told to anyone who would listen, (friends, family, my own children) won’t sting so much? Maybe all those doubtful looks, skeptical comments that teams of lawyers directed my way for 13 years will fade eventually? Maybe I could, and should, just ignore the years and years of secrets, lies, and deception? Maybe the feeling that I was going crazy, and none of what I KNEW, Al was doing, but would probably never be exposed, won’t be lodged in my brain? Maybe the day will come when I can look the other way, and not feel outrage that our legal system can be so manipulated, and allow for such narcissistic predators to operate outside the law, resulting in consequences that can NEVER be undone? Maybe that’s possible, but I sure hope NOT! I hope I’m never able to look the other way, when such “evil people” are out there, duping the system, duping their families, and treating the world and everyone in it like they’re mere toys for the predator’s entertainment. That I might ever see such a day is highly unlikely; even though such a day would probably be far less trouble and meet with less resistance than what I am encountering now, as I rip the proverbial bandaid off the wound, experienced and shared by so many of us. Standing up for yourself, standing for strong principles, demanding the truth, and valuing fair play comes with a heavy price. That price can sometimes include, even unwittingly, hurting the very people you love the most, and might also cost you the luxury of trust? Trust is something I hope to feel again someday, but years and years of being lied to erodes the quality of softness and an easy-going nature that goes hand in hand with an unwavering faith in humanity.
When the Nassau County Website page listing all of Al’s legal “encounters” first appeared in my “DearEasyDiaries” inbox, I wasn’t sure what to do or think? I started examining all the dates that corresponded to the court actions, and made list upon list of all the things I needed to search and review. After many repetitious, line upon line, listings of Al’s name, legal cause, and date of occurrence, I noticed that following the “Al, no middle initial, Capone,” there was a switch, and the listings then changed to Al “J.” Capone. As I studied those listings, my thoughts raced and I recalled the number of times, fairly recently, that two of Al’s daughters had discussed the very real possibility of more siblings that might exist out there in this world. This particular emailed page made it appear that an extra sibling(s) could have “occurred” during MY marriage to Al, even, in what I always thought were the happier years (“silly” me… how could I continue to be so naïve)? Was it true? I didn’t then, and still don’t, know if it is true, or could be confirmed, but when I read the words, I immediately felt dirty! Since then, I’ve done more research than I ever thought was possible, even during my actual divorce proceeding. That was 13 years ago though, and truth be told, I was just getting familiar with computers, emails, and the like. Back then, I remember my first divorce attorney telling me to, “get with the program, or I was sure to be the prime source of several forests being wiped out, if I didn’t learn how to email, and stop faxing his office reams of paperwork!” Yes, those kind of comments stick with you…particularly at $600 per hour. He was an arrogant piece of work, but on that point, he was correct, and I followed his suggestion. It didn’t happen overnight, but it did happen, and I learned. My investigating took on a life, and a trail (or many) that was far from new, or comfortable. Starting “DearEasyDiaries” marked a transition in my life, and I also felt that it meant I had an obligation to find out what the sending of that email to me was all about? I’m not entirely sure if the sender was just someone being spiteful, or if it was “symbolic” of something deeper; whatever the reason, it was the root of doors being reopened and new discoveries made.
TALK ABOUT CONNECTING THE DOTS…..THIS PAINTING IS BY RONNIE WOOD WHO WAS MARRIED TO JO WOOD (ONE OF AL’S 2010 “FLAVORS”) AND HUNG, OR HANGS, IN THE COLLECTION OF A GUY NAMED ******, WHO DID, AND STILL DOES, ALL KINDS OF SHADY DEALS WITH AL!
It’s funny (funny, odd…not funny, haha) how the timing of the world has a way of putting things, or people, in your life, and when? When I first “stumbled” upon the painting shown (right above), it caught my eye. At first, for the obvious reasons that it’s colorful, and Warhol-esque in its presentation. Then it hit me on a very different level; I stumbled upon the image of the “artwork” during the same period of time when I discovered the online article about Al’s dating the ex-wife of Rolling Stone Rockstar, Ronnie Wood. Curiously enough, it linked the ex-wife, the Rockstar artist, and Al, all to another human oddity and enigma from the past, and my time served with Al. There’s more to this story for another time and another post, but it will suffice to say the world is a small place, and getting smaller, every day.
Probably a case of too many Law & Order reruns and the variety of other crime dramas that I’ve always watched, should be credited for ‘driving’ my compulsion to seek answers. I don’t know how else to explain my new mission, but I wanted to know how that anonymously-sent “emailed piece” fit into the puzzle that was my life? How could I keep writing DearEasyDiaries, and be true to myself or you, who have either started or continue to follow my journey, without knowing? The questions kept coming and answers followed, but not always completely, or in the order I expected. Dissecting a past that wasn’t clear the first time is not an easy thing. I kept finding reminders in each saved file I reopened; all the lawyers, all the lawsuits, all the paper, all the manipulations, and all the lies and fraud! For thirteen years, I exhausted more than a lifetime of effort trying to prove, to countless lawyers in multiple states, multiple jurisdictions, multiple cases and multiple actions, what I knew to be true. On that lengthy list of attorneys, there were only a few, who ever gave me any reason to believe they had my back, or cared about the outcome of the numerous cases I was compelled to participate in… aside from their egos and the fees. All my attorneys were well-educated, experienced, professional, sharp and some were even, not only effective, but impressive. “Heart,” however, wasn’t high on their list of priorities. Snap back Missy…stay on track. Oh “Geez Louise,” (one of Easy’s favorite expressions) staying focused can be so tough sometimes? Digging through my email history is sort of like living backwards, as the more recent lawsuits were all at the end of the queue, or the first of those files that I would run across as I “clicked” on each email and thought about the significance it carried. There were a thousand little details that I could point to, pick out, and critique; all possessed the same flaws and prompted the same questions that were raised the first time, second time or fifteenth time, when I had either been copied on, or directly received those same documents originally. The Bankruptcy filing in February of 2010, was the last huge “sucker punch” Al had delivered, but it was a doozy, lasting for four, very long, years and the subsequent actions that it brought were as complicated and excrutiating as what had come before. There were sooooo many things that I questioned during that whole sham Bankruptcy, but back when it was happening, I was so wrapped up in emotion, fighting for my children’s and my future, and bewildered by all the “hits” that just kept on coming, I guess I couldn’t pause long enough to focus on studying the process, and really learn about all the intricacies of Bankruptcy. There was definitely no one around to coach me. The pain and betrayal was still very raw, and it didn’t serve me well. One thing I knew for sure, however, and it was that Al’s filing was ridiculous; Al was many things, but bankrupt wasn’t one of them!
Moving on…..because such a great deal of my post-divorce life was consumed with MORE, MORE, and MORE legal mess and entanglement with my “Ex,” it’s easy for me to forget that YOU didn’t live with the madness that Al created, so it might be tough to follow me, when I start feeling like I have to “PROVE” to you what I spent years trying to prove in court. I can easily get caught up with the minutiae and am always pinching myself to “get out of the weeds,” so to speak. That said, there were countless issues during the four-year duration of Al’s bankruptcy case that were both freakish and fraudulent, but one item REALLY vexed me, and I hope you’ll bear with me while I explain why?
Al (or one of the “foxes,” who prepared his Bankruptcy Schedules), “checked” the box, on the filings, claiming Al had NO Pension Plan holdings. So, when I initially saw the following email, the hair on the back of my neck stood up, and I immediately questioned what was going on? Even, or especially, back then, I knew to challenge the information Al was alleging. It turns out, a simple trip to the Glynn County, Georgia courthouse and a little digging through the “public records” revealed a bit of “clever trickery” that has become synonymous with almost every deal bearing Al’s “signature or stamp.” No matter what Al said, or tried to convince his lawyers, the court, or others of, my suspicions were confirmed. The documentation I found proved to be particularly noteworthy, and if any of you wonderful people reading or following this blog happen to be from Georgia, specifically Glynn County, this information might raise an eyebrow, or two? The notoriety focused on the court system in Glynn and various incidents that have been given wide-spread media attention this past year, remind me of the protections Al hid behind for so many years.
Checks the box for no Pension plan… then sells a property that was purchased in 2004 by the non existent pension plan??? Hmmm…how does that work?
My research isn’t over, and I have much more to unearth, particularly as I’m specifically “driven” to discover the veracity behind the existence of additional “Al offspring.” That may end up requiring an “in-person trip” to New York, but I’m prepared for that, and might actually enjoy it, as I’ve always loved NYC .
I’ve already been able to confirm, remotely, that the specific Al I was married to, is indeed the same individual as the Al mentioned in the majority of those Nassau County listings. Imagine what other vital “tidbits” might be uncovered if I were there in person?
So I believe I’ll take some words of wisdom from the Master himself…. and try to pass on some of my knowledge in the list below…
-Be very wary if there’s any chance you might be ripe for a potential divorce in the future, and you’d likely be classified as an “Outspouse;” be it in Glynn County, Georgia or anywhere else!
-If you become an unwilling victim/creditor in a Bankruptcy filing; PLEASE, research, know and understand your rights. Creditors of the bankruptcy petitioner have a right to question and challenge, the petitioners filing! No one shared that tidbit with me, but I’m glad to be able to share it with you.
-Should you find yourself in a position to engage in the negotiation and subsequent execution of a Marital Settlement Agreement, make sure there are provisions included to protect yourself as a “SECURED CREDITOR” in the event of a resulting Bankruptcy filing; such provisions may include “Abstracts of Judgements” and other (state by state) vehicles to attach a Judgement to real property and potentially other significant assets.
-I cannot stress this point enough…..DOCUMENT EVERYTHING!
-Lastly, I am NOT a lawyer, psychiatrist, psychologist, or therapist, and am not pretending to be an authority on anything…..but I DO have 30+ years of experience living with…being married to… raising children with… divorcing, and ultimately, surviving… the abuse of a Sociopathic Narcissist.
With all of that cleared up, if there is anything in my power that I can do to help equip, even, just one person forced to deal with these devastatingly dangerous people to survive the potential damage, and serious consequences, that my children and I dealt with; I’m all in, and committed to achieving that goal! Please feel free to DM or email “deareasydiaries” for ideas, suggestions, more warnings, or just to vent? Everyone needs a safe and confidential outlet when venting; this “sh*t” is REAL!
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