Fridays…
Hello and goodby to yet another Friday...
FIVE YEAR OLD, YOUR’S TRULY IN MY SACRED HEART ACADEMY UNIFORM…
As a young child, I longed for Friday, just like many, many other thousands of children, and adults, do too! It signaled two whole days without the hour and twenty minute bus ride, both, to and from Sacred Heart Academy where I attended Kindergarten. My older sister (by 6 years) Viv attended the same school too, but she was a boarding student so that left me at five years old, to make the almost three-hour roundtrip drive, five days a week all by myself. I’m sure there are hundreds of thousands of other people who make similar commutes, but at the time I probably wasn’t thinking of them; I was only thinking about me and the bumpy, smelly bus rides that seemed as long and tough as the school day itself. It wasn’t until my first year of High School, when some of my childhood awkwardness wore off a bit, and all of a sudden the somewhat plain, knock-knee’d kid I had always been, morphed into a more attractive, and suddenly unexpected target for the attention of YES.....boys, lots of them? The local, public high school was a fascinating gathering and congregation of more types, sizes and manners of boys than I’d ever seen before, and a lot of them showered me, with new and much appreciated conversation, smiles, and even, the occasional carrying of books. I was a quick study (in the subject of “boys”) and discovered quickly it was far more fun to “skip” a class, particularly if it was Algebra or Homemaking (can you even believe such a class existed) in order to hang out in the “Senior Quad” and flirt with the guys! My fun was short-lived, however. At the end of that 2nd semester of my Freshman year when report cards arrived home via the mail, and found itself in the hands of my Mother, with two “D’s” on it (can you guess which classes), my Mom didn’t skip a beat before transferring me to the small private school in town. It turned out to be something of a mixed blessing. Back in the day, that small private school was a boys boarding school (population of 85), and a day school for about 27 local kids....19 girls and 8 boys. No matter what grade I received in Algebra, it didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure that those were some pretty awesome odds, all 93 of them, in my favor! It was also a double-edged sword. The sheer smallness of the school meant that the average class size ranged from 7 in my French class, to maybe 14 (max) in my History class; more specifically....that meant each and every teacher knew me, knew which classes I was taking, and knew where I was suppose to be and when......so, no more hanging out and flirting in the courtyard during class time. My Algebra teacher had even shown the audacity to impose assigned seating, and yes indeed.....who do you think got placed in the front row, center seat, just “ripe for the picking” during question and answer time…which was pretty much the whole class? Yep, that was me! The same Algebra teacher was also the Headmaster of the school, and not only was that class seating arrangement maybe the greatest favor a teacher ever did for me, but that same man wrote me one of the kindest College Admission recommends I could ever hope for. And both he and the Dean of Students (a very formal, strict type of person, but incredibly caring too) held extra SAT prep classes for a small group of us each night for a week, prior to the test! It turns out that the male/female ratio weren’t the only odds I had in my favor, and I got into the one and only college of my choice! My childhood love of Fridays and dread of Mondays was forever altered!
Fast forward to September, 2007 and what felt like a thousand years later; Fridays once again took on an entirely different, but still dreaded meaning!
THIS IS A PACKAGE I WOULDN’T WISH ON ANYONE!
From 2007 thru at least 2014, Fridays began to represent a “real life” version of the movie, “Jaws” signaling a potential legal apocalypse that could, at any given moment, circle back around to blow up my children’s and my life! Over the course of a year, September 2007 - September 2008, (almost to the exact day) I went from being married, to being served with divorce papers, to nursing my (then soon-to-be Ex) Husband through recovery from Open Heart Surgery, to nine subsequent months of unmitigated literal and legal hell. The negotiating of a Marital Settlement Agreement, with little to almost no process, or discovery, resulted in my children’s and my third cross country trip in the span of three and a half months.....and all that without ever stepping foot into an actual Divorce courtroom. I’ve said it before, but Fridays had officially become synonymous with stepping on a landmine. In my kid’s and my world, Fridays held the potential to “rock your world,” “knock you out with a single “1-2 punch,” or cause your boat to capsize at sea, drowning everyone on board! If that sounds a wee-bit dramatic, or like I’m being overly sensitive and needy, reach out and contact me…I’m always ready to listen and share.
Love…Integrity, and Priorities!
It’s important to note, not so much for you, but for me, that I am not “a hater”....not of men (specifically my ex husband) or of much anything at all; quite the contrary...other than scorpions, snakes, and rats, l don’t hate anything or anyone. For as long as I can remember, and particularly while my kids were growing up, I tried to forbid the saying “ I hate ________ (fill in the blank with whatever)” in my home.” To me, hate felt like a “dark, devil-type beast” that had the power to alter a person’s very being and soul, as they uttered the word. I didn’t want to quash my kids innate ability to feel, or stunt their expression of emotion or anger; I just hoped to encourage them to express it in a way that didn’t seem so gravely final. They still tease me anytime we hear one another pop out with the alternate expression I came up with to avoid saying the “H” word....”I so strongly dislike… “liver and onions,” it makes me contemplate using the word “hate!” The very act of rephrasing it all, seems to diminish the extreme finality that accompanies the word “hate.”
Those Friday surprises kept rolling in until at least 2016, and it wasn’t until, just close to 5 months ago on December 14, 2019, when my son graduated from the University of Alabama, that I knew I was finally free of the shackles of both Al, and the legal subterfuge he had been firing my way since September 14, 2007. Even though it’s contrary to what I just described, and try as I might to rephrase it, there’s just good alternative, or no good way to avoid it.... I HATED THOSE FRIDAY SURPRISES!”
Why am I doing this? Why do I get lost in the writing and retelling of my truths? Why do I feel compelled to share the past 12 years of emotional betrayal and legal manipulation? What could possibly motivate me to expose myself, my kids, our pain, the terror, embarrassment, and vulnerability of what became the reality of our everyday life for so many years? Why would I choose to reveal the deranged, destructive and evil behavior of someone who I once loved, married, and with whom I shared 19 years and two children? Why? What possible reason, or explanation, could I offer for doing that? Maybe I’m just a “vindictive, jilted woman” striking out to get back at my Ex…one of Al’s many recorded rantings during one of the many B/K court sessions I was forced to attend because of his bankruptcy filing? Maybe I’m driven to inflict as much hurt on him, that my children and I experienced? Is it even remotely possible that any of those very ugly reasons could adequately answer these questions, explain the lessons, or forgive the betrayals that have filled the past 13 years? Emphatically.......NO! I’m (almost certain) that I’m not 100% vindictive, and I’m not lashing out in an attempt to cause Al pain! There is absolutely NO part of me that could, or would, wish the pain that my children and I endured, on anyone, not even Al. I do, however, feel sorry for him; just as, I feel sorry for his “new person” (or people) that are in his life and are being told, and hearing the same lies and stories that I was told; the same lies and stories that his first wife was told; the same lies and stories that his four children have been told! There will be a day when Al is gone, and his kids will be forced, or given an opportunity, to sort through all the “machinations and secrets” of Al’s life. They may try to figure out who the real Al was, and what is the legacy that their biological Father leaves behind? Those factors could effect the way they handle, or deal with, the people and relationships they have in their own lives! I hope they have their eyes and minds open…
SOMEWHERE ALONG THE WAY, I LOST MY PERSPECTIVE, FOOTING AND JUDGEMENT…I WON’T MAKE THAT MISTAKE AGAIN!
All of that said, I’m still a human being, an honest and authentic person, who was terrifyingly unprepared for the onslaught of attacks that my children and I were made to endure for weeks, months, and years! I don’t despise or dislike my Ex-Husband, but, I finally understand that he is the human equivalent of kryptonite.....and under ABSOLUTELY NO circumstances can, or will, I EVER trust him, or anyone close to him! With that knowledge and experience, I have been gifted new insight as to how I interact within my day-to-day world. I’m very careful and discerning of who and what I give my time to; I no longer “fall” for the pretty, “doopty do” empty words of people who have no intention of acting with integrity, but, instead, follow and favor their own agenda with zero regard for loyalty.
Thirteen years later, and at least a tad-bit wiser, I’m completely driven and almost obsessed with raising awareness for all of “us,” the out-spouses, our children and the other victims of Sociopathic Narcissists! You see, while I know divorce and uncoupling happens everyday, and it’s almost always unpleasant, often horrible, and sometimes tragically dangerous, I’m still hopeful that there are very few, truly evil and equally intelligent, people willing to go to the extreme lengths Al pursued in order to crush not just me, but our two kids?
All these years later, I’m finally free to speak out and share the painful reality that was so carefully hidden, and which Al manipulated for so long! Together with the knowledge that he has nothing left to hang over my head, or threaten me with, I’m not afraid of him anymore. All those years of crazy making, together with infidelity, lies, asset-hiding, manipulation of the judicial system, and fraud were also the same years that represent my children’s and my own devotion, efforts, and adaptability. That combination, followed by embarrassing smears, lies, sacrifice and fear of what might come next was a lot to deal with, much less attempt to handle successfully? I struggled! There were five, unfathomable years of not knowing what might come next! Before our separation, the kids and I had beautiful homes, in lovely locations and the trappings of luxury, but all of that does not necessarily equate to an easy life? All that my kids ever wanted, was to live in one place, near their family and cousins in California and “be normal,” whatever that means....I’m still not sure? All I ever wanted was my own family.....being a Mom, driving kids around, dinnertimes spent together, church on Sundays, holidays with more family, animals, and a husband who every once in awhile thought about me... more than work? I actually knew that work part about him from the start, but I guess I hoped that we might someday get to a place, where “our time” might match the amount of time he spent going to car events, playing tennis, watching sports, buying art, planning secretive trips, meetings and phone calls, fixing crises caused by dysfunctional friends, business partners, ex’s, adult children? That fantasy proved to be an “impossible ask,” or at least impossible for Al.
The day it all blew up, and the real, real became so incredibly obvious to me, was just a couple days after finding out from our daughter about Al’s infidelity. There was a lot of denial, and anger, but when he eventually calmed down enough to say the woman hadn’t meant anything and that he wanted to make our marriage work......I was paralyzed by the truth! I knew that I had the power to say ok, make it all better, smooth the waters and return to the life we had had, filled with lots of lovely “things” and crazy luxury, but I also knew if I did that, I would be betraying both my children and myself. The courage and trust it had taken for my daughter to confide in me would be shattered, my self-respect would have disappeared and, as I told Al that same day, “I don’t want this behavior and your poor example or infidelity to be the “standard” by which either of our children think is a permissible way for a partner to be treated! It is not the way I want our daughter to think a man should treat her. Nor is it the way I want our son to believe is an acceptable way for him to ever treat a woman! Our entire lives were turned upside down and changed that day......but, even so, and still today, I feel and believe exactly the way I did then. I’d make the same choice all over again. The only difference would be that with the experience and education that I’ve gained, (the hard way), I’d now make for a very FORMIDABLE opponent, if the challenge were presented. What I know now, would have made our lives back then, hugely different.....and not while not entirely free of pain, much less awful than it was, maybe?
That’s my goal and mission now! I want to share, discuss, and work to empower each and every single person who is faced with a spouse like mine, “an AL.” There is no-one who should face, unaware and unprepared, the seemingly endless and agonizing maze that the courts and, often unjust, judicial system can use to reduce a usually very strong person to mush! There ought to be some resource, some “playbook,” some person(s) in which to place your trust? There should be some “vehicle” to ensure that being an “outspouse” doesn’t prevent you from obtaining, at the very least, reasonable justice? I hold no MBA’s, no medical or legal degrees, but my real-life experience “in the arena of devastatingly manipulative, unjust, and evil divorce proceedings” and the aftermath, is something I have gained for days, weeks months, and yes.....over 20 years to share! My hope would be that no one ever needs the kind of help I have to offer, but if you do.....I’m here!
TO THIS…THE BEAUTIFUL SEQUENCE OF THOUGHTS ABOVE, AND THE INNER STRENGTH TO GET THERE!
It’s Friday..... not the day I was born, but the day my daughter was born, the day my Mom passed, the usual day of legal execution and warfare, the day I was served divorce papers, and the day I signed a Settlement Agreement! I respect all of those milestones, and now I see it as another day that I’m blessed to be alive! WHATEVER THE DAY MAY BRING, I believe I’ll celebrate it all....
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