Lights, Red Flags, and Shadows…
“The wound is the place where the light enters.” Rumi ▪️ I discovered that quote several years ago, and if it’s possible to feel actual stirring within, and an attraction for words, and the meaning behind them....I’ve always had it! A trusted friend once told me, that that quote represents how growth and goodness can come from pain!
MY PRECIOUS FIRST BORN!
From early childhood, I always wanted to be a Mom; it might have been the only thing I knew, for certain sure, that I wanted to do or be in life. My sisters would laugh and tease every time I talked about the twelve children I hoped to have and raise. The path that led between those early thoughts, to the time when that fate was potentially about to became real and more than just childhood wishes, was not terribly straight. It was a road filled with bumps, cracks and more than a few sharp turns but nonetheless, the wish of my youth remained. That said, the day I learned my first born was to arrive, however UNplanned, I could not have been more elated. Happiness wasn’t the only emotion that I felt however; it was mixed with a fair share of anxiety and even fear. While the Al I had fallen in love with was a man who had expressed deep feelings of sorrow and regret about the way his first marriage had ended, mixed with what seemed like a sincere desire to fix mistakes of the past that were made with his first two children. He spoke of a desperately longing; a second opportunity to become the husband and father he had always hoped to be! So, it was a harsh and chilling reality when I saw and heard his reaction after telling him the news of my own pregnancy. The sentiment, or rather lack of feeling, he displayed on that occasion was far different from the loving misgivings he shared with me previously during the several months when we were newly dating. He behaved abominably, asked if it was his with a steely detachment that should have stopped me cold, stating that an abortion was both the obvious solution, and something I should give serious consideration? An abortion, though, was never an option for me. That decision and procedure is incredibly personal, not for me to judge for another, but for myself…definitely NOT something I was willing to contemplate. I was nothing if not positive that I was having that baby; in no world could I imagine sacrificing a life, certainly not to satisfy the whim of a man who I had obviously grossly over estimated! I also told Al, rather harshly, in the next few conversations that I didn’t need him to be a part of our lives; I was prepared to go in another direction. Maybe it was my determination to go it on my own, or my willingness to leave him behind, but over the next couple months, he changed course, and did indeed decide that he desperately wanted to be a part of our lives? He begged forgiveness, actually proposed marriage, and gifted me, on my Birthday, a very large diamond to seal the deal!
“THE CLIFFS”… MILL NECK, NEW YORK
I should have recognized after the enthralling and feverish months of our initial courtship, followed by an enormous swing of the pendulum to an icily-cold and distant person whom I hardly recognized, and then back again with another subsequent, significant reversal of course, that red flags were popping up everywhere? Those flags of “caution” were showing up more and more frequently with each week and month. What could have been seen as flashing, neon signs (forget red flags) warning me to run, and run fast and far…didn’t stick! And even though there was plenty of running done over our many years together, it was done mostly in circles. There was more information than I could have ever imagined, or wanted to hear, shared with me during those times together, and whether I didn’t completely absorb everything I heard, or naively, and stupidly, chose not to believe it, the end result was the same. I had “fallen” hard, and for someone who was almost anything, or everything, BUT what he originally and masterfully presented. Al was tough to figure; while he professed one thing, the reality always revealed itself to be something else. I didn’t meet his oldest daughter until after our own first child and daughter was born. His eldest daughter was kind, thoughtful, seemed excited to be visiting us and to meet her new sister. Maren’s attitude was a welcome change from his second daughter, Carol Marie, who had visited once during my first year of being with Al. “CM” had made it abundantly clear, that she had little, if any, use for me. Her utter contempt for anyone who might possibly distract, or take away, from the attention of her “Daddio,” was disheartening, but made it all the sweeter and easier to bond with his eldest, Maren. I’m not sure if it was because she trusted me, or merely wanted to be heard, but she genuinely seemed to enjoy sharing the details of her childhood, life, and the past. One of the stories she confided to me, was about a fairly recent girlfriend of Al’s, and how she had died in his big estate in Mill Neck....the very place where Al and I had spent several weeks together during our first many months being a couple! The death itself was tragic, and I made the mistake only once of mentioning the subject to Al. It evoked such a profoundly dark response, I steered far clear of anything having to do with the name “Lorraine” from then on. Bizarrely, it wasn’t until several months ago… an entire, eleven years AFTER our divorce, when I learned that not only did Lorraine die in his home, but that she had committed suicide. The note she left behind explained that she was in love with him, but she just couldn’t go on, knowing that he no longer wanted her in his life, and moreover that he definitely didn’t want the baby that was growing inside her. Initially, she had tried cutting her wrists upstairs in the master bedroom, but must have gotten spooked and proceeded to go outside, where she then locked herself in the detached, enclosed multiple car garage before turning on the engines of the Rolls-Royce, Gull-Wing Mercedes and Ferrari parked inside. When the housekeeper and caretaker found the bloodied mess upstairs, they started searching the rest of the house and grounds until the police arrived and broke down the door to find her asphyxiated and dead on the cold garage floor.
IT’S A CHALLENGE TO BE SURE, BUT I STILL SEARCH FOR THE LIGHT AND GOOD THAT CAN BE FOUND DESPITE THE DARKEST DAYS.
No one is given a roadmap about how best to go through this thing called life, and no life comes free of pain; but my friend, and Rumi were right. There is goodness in every life, like the two beautiful children I was blessed to have and raise. So too, there is opportunity for growth and fresh chances… we need only to keep our heads held high and keep on looking!
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