Shhh…
The picture chosen to serve as the introduction for this particular post was taken many, many years ago at our Cambria beach house. I took it myself and used the photo to design a custom invitation which was then mailed to announce Al’s surprise 60th Birthday Celebration weekend. Remarkably, particularly with the kid’s young ages in mind as well as the wide assortment of guests joining us from all across the country, we were able to pull off the surprise as well as the other details of the celebratory weekend. Everything went off exactly as planned. How bizarre it is now to look back and remember that year as probably what I’d later consider the beginning of the end for Al and me, and how ironic that a picture symbolizing a secret meant nothing more to me at the time than a cute way to “frame” a surprise party. I would later learn, that with the exception of our two children and a genuinely kind stepdaughter, the majority of our life together was comprised of little more than secrets, but that particular party…was one I was woefully really, really late to attend.
May 2022…how different our world and lives look now as opposed to 2 years ago, much less 22 years? When 2020 appeared on our calendars, the whole world was busying ourselves trying to adjust individual schedules, family, school, career and work commitments to the ever-changing rules, lockdowns and mandates that were being bandied about at the whim of a revolving door of so-called “experts.” We were promised that “science would dictate the policy,” but the reality of how the process evolved was more like watching a group of aged dinosaurs play an old-school game of “Twister,” tripping over one another and making an absolute mockery of themselves and our country.
In my now understood (for me), typical end-around-way of discovering life, the pandemic as horrible and tragic as it has been, actually provided me an opportunity? While I despise the thought that an event which upended, or just plain, ended so many lives, could possibly have benefitted me personally, sounds disgusting and utterly selfish, but is also true. One essential ingredient in the recipe of my life today, and for the past 14 years, is an attempt to understand and live the truth…everyday! The truth has eluded me for a pretty significant part of my life, and from my experience, it is rarely pretty, often ugly, and can even be miserably painful at times, but, nonetheless, the truth remains by comparison, far superior to the destructive results that 19 years of covert lies and disillusion bring to a life, or lives! Now is the time for truth.
Covid affected every part of the world differently, and my own life was no exception. Due to my personal medical background and some suspect immune system issues, I was exceptionally cautious at the onset, unsure of what information could be trusted. As such, I stayed very close to home for almost six months, and thankfully could depend on my daughter and son-in-law for any outside needs, shopping etc. I was able to keep my copywriting career going, which wasn’t affected too terribly much by shutdowns; after all, its very essence is already one of “remote” nature. The isolation that resulted from the pandemic provided extra down time to catch up on streaming shows, movies, as well as stacks and stacks of books that had been piling up on shelves throughout the house and also proved an opportune time to heed the suggestion of my daughter to begin the process of creating a blog. The idea had been wafting about in my mind for quite some time. Actually, my original ideas were for a book, not a blog, and included an extensive portfolio of material, written, categorized, and filed on my laptop. I had been approached about writing my story and knew I was capable, but just hadn’t “pulled the trigger” yet. Em, however, planted the seed that creating a blog prior to publishing a book, might be an effective way to “test the waters,” and see if my “voice” could generate any serious interest or following? That suggestion and the subsequent effort has resulted in an unintended but significant gift, blossoming over the past two years into a tremendously fulfilling and successful endeavor, the likes of which I never dreamed possible. Over the course of those first few, as well as the next many, months I started exploring facets of my past which remained challenging to resolve, and the many new questions which curiously continued to surface, always arising in conjunction with unanswered issues tied to my divorce from Al. Who knew that regardless of the seven year span of legal mess following our divorce and then some, there was still so much more that I didn’t know, but, “for better or worse,” would continue learning about the man to whom I was married, shared two children with, and spent 19 years together? Deceit and manipulation was the recurring message. More garbage has surfaced than I could have ever conceived possible, even despite the huge time lapse between present day and the end of our divorce settlement. The divorce mess commenced in 2007, wasn’t completely finalized until 2016, but would continue dropping bombshells for several more years. I’ve often shared that I tend to be a “slow study,” which regrettably remains true, and is actually an understatement. For just how long would I continue to be blindsided by Al’s lies and endless machinations? Great question.
IT’S STILL MIND NUMBING TO RECALL THE DEVASTATION AL’S ACTIONS HAVE LEFT BEHIND OVER THE YEARS. FOLLOWING THE “TALE” DESCRIBED IN THIS EARLIER BLOG ENTRY POSTED ALMOST TWO YEARS AGO. IN ADDITION TO INCALCULABLE OTHER DAMAGES, AN ICONIC ARCHITECTURAL FIRM WAS SHUTTERED AND IT’S STILL UNKNOWN TO ME WHAT BECAME OF AL’S PARTNERS AND OTHER ASSOCIATES OF THE TIME?
There’s much that seems repetitive in my posts, and while I apologize for the redundancy, it bears out the depth of conviction I feel for the subjects I write about. My blog has highlighted my passion in past entries like, “Conflicted,” “Triggers & The Truth, or an older post called, “I’d Rather Eat Crumbs With Bums…Than Steaks With Snakes” because in attempting to reach the truth, I find it helpful to reexamine history…the REAL history, not the reinvented version. In 2019, I learned that the “Modigliani” Al gifted me for Mother’s Day in the early 2000’s was a fake, (past post, “Authenticity”) but that little revelation and the “pit” it left in my stomach, felt incredibly similar to the discovery, also in 2019, of a Mercedes purchase Al made during the four year pendency of his California Bankruptcy filing, which he then gifted to his “female flavor” of the moment. The learning of those facts didn’t “shake” me because of some lingering emotion I might have felt for my ex. No, it was my own shame at the realization that I had missed so much; details which could have really helped my legal case as well as my kids and my lives back at the time, but instead slipped through my fingers. Later when I learned about a trail of hidden real estate transactions and various properties being exchanged and disguised through “shell companies,” my skin crawled as I read the chain of dates attached to the documents, realizing that the events dated as far back as the early 2000’s. What else was there? How much more was left to uncover from the cache of hidden transactions which previously eluded me? The answer to that question is pretty simple…almost everything! I didn’t know about the Warhol painting; I didn’t know about the loan he made to, nor the “note” between Al and a certain “Symbolic Collection,” nor the business arrangement and bizarre relationship Al had with the Art and Car Dealer who purchased our Rancho Santa Fe home years earlier, and who later survived a failed suicide attempt. Why was Al’s odd tie and connection to that individual so intense? Such revelations only prompted more curiosity and led to more twists. I didn’t know about the extent of fraud Al perpetuated throughout our divorce process. I didn’t know how K. Ass, the accountant, could “magically” transform years of tax liabilities disclosed during our settlement mediation, into years of tax refunds, outlined in Al’s B/K financial statement, covering the exact same “subject” years? I should probably have assigned the alias “Houdini” to the accountant rather than K. Ass? It would certainly be appropriate, but then so is the alias “K. Ass!” Lastly, and most pointedly, I had no idea how it was possible for Al to be so cruel about our two minor children’s security and well-being, including the question of where they might be living from month to month, spanning a period of over two years?
IN ADDITION TO THE OVER $1 MILLION FROM MY SETTLEMENT GOING TO PAY MY DIVORCE COUNSEL, AL’S FOUR YEAR BANKRUPTCY WAS AWFULLY COSTLY TOO, AND CONTRARY TO THIS LAWYER’S LAST STATEMENT, IT WAS MY SETTLEMENT MONIES THAT PAID THOSE FEES…A PRETTY HEFTY SUM INDEED. WHEN ALL WAS SAID AND DONE, IT WAS OVER $300,000 THAT I PAID TO MY B/K COUNSEL FOR REPRESENTATION IN AL’S VOLUNTARY B/K FILING. FAIR…NO; THE TRUTH…YES!
JUST A COUPLE EXAMPLES OF MY ATTORNEY’S COMMUNICATIONS BACK AND FORTH, FOLLOWING OUR SETTLEMENT AGREEMENT AND WELL INTO THE PENDENCY OF AL’S BANKRUPTCY, WHICH LASTED EXACTLY FOUR YEARS FROM FEBRUARY OF 2010 THROUGH 2014. AS EMBARRASING AS IT IS TO EXPOSE MY OBVIOUS IGNORANCE, NAIVETE, AND FRAGILITY, I REMEMBER THAT EACH TIME I SAW SUCH AN EXCHANGE, MY FEELINGS, CONCERNS AND EXPERIENCES FELT VALIDATED! IT WAS LIKE MY TELLING OF IT WASN’T TAKEN SERIOUSLY ON ITS OWN?
How had I allowed myself to live in such a situation for 19 years and NOT recognized, acknowledged or acted on all the red flags that were surely waving in front of my face from the start? How could I have been that stupid? Could I really be so weak, and was I nothing more than a codependent enabler? It’s difficult to comprehend whatever it was that my thought process could have been during those many years. The proliferation of fraudulent, illegal dealings on Al’s part, as well as the actions performed by the circle of “henchmen/women” surrounding him, was tough to fathom but also too real to ignore. I try to understand how it is, that people can so compromise their personal character and integrity to promote, much less engineer, the acts of a scoundrel like Al, but then I suppose it’s easier to rationalize such acts when you are a beneficiary of those very deeds? Had I allowed myself to become just another one of those people, too? There were more times than I could count following those discoveries, when I swore to open my eyes, take a good, hard look at all that had happened, and to do everything in my power to expose the truth, hopefully empowering not just myself, but anyone who finds themselves enmeshed in such a mess. DearEasyDiaries.com and its evolution started me down a new path, an occasionally lonely journey, but one with more certain footing than what I previously knew. Still, I find myself thinking…shame on me for all those years of blind compliance and delusion. Time to grow up, Missy; pull on your big-girl panties and move forward. “Onward, upward and over,” as my friend, Lana, likes to say. So, how’s it going, you may ask? Well, let me share…
The years between my divorce and 2020, marked a time of shock, adventure, bravery, discovery, self-reflection, betrayal, disappointment, surprising gifts, loss and…recovery. The losses and betrayals were unexpected and hit me hard. The blows were administered by a range of individuals that I considered close, far too close to deal me the crappy hand of cards I received. From the final completion of our MSA in 2016, through 2020 and onward, for reasons that I’ll elaborate upon another time, I spent a great deal of time reveling in the relief of a great HVAC system, and in keeping with my constant dependance on “background noise,” I also binge-watched many series, a long list of movies and in “writing downtime,” read voraciously. I watched titles, and read material, that didn’t necessarily fit my typical profile, stepping out of my comfort zone and pushing boundaries. Many of those scenes, uncomfortable or not, fueled my “creative process”…big time. It was an unusual kind of victory but yielded a type of redemption and closure I really didn’t know existed before, and those “pearls” have been my salvation ever since.
When the year 2020 arrived, Steve the shrink was merely another symbol of the past. Faith, my Rosary and writing had become my new therapy and wasn’t something or someone that would likely belie my trust. It was then that the qualities of loyalty and trust and the feeling of security they provided, took on an almost God-like, religious ideal, and became a requirement of my survival. I felt the sting of betrayal for many years, but in 2018, the agonizing reality of its existence was compounded again.
The pandemic and the isolation it brought with it, meant lots of idle time to fill. Many hours were occupied in front of the big screen on the wall in my den. Not everything I watched was super intense, but certainly all of the content was provoking and resulted in a floodgate of emotion and memories being released. Keep in mind my “ADD” brain as I detail the range of material that I took in… “Lincoln Lawyer,” “Gilmore Girls,” “Yellowstone,” “The Equalizer,” “Molly’s Game,” “Blacklist,” “Grace and Frankie,” and “The Gentlemen” were among some of the titles filling the empty hours. Another one of the streaming series I watched when in need of a light moment or two, was the show, “Suits.” Not only did I add Gabriel Macht to my list of “hard-core crush material,” but I could sooo relate to the whole lawyer/law firm/gotcha vibe after my own lengthy, costly and painful lessons regarding legal maneuvering. It wasn’t until maybe eight or nine episodes in though, while dancing around to the show’s theme song, “Greenback Boogie,” that something in my mind snapped, and I could, literally, hear myself saying out loud, “Glynn County’s “Green Sheet!” Boom…I instantly went to the room holding all my file boxes, found the section designated “2007/2008 – Divorce Material” and proceeded to search through gads of folders and documents before hitting pay dirt. Right then, there in that very moment, my hands contained several copies of various “Green Sheets,” and I was immediately transported back to 2007. The human brain is an amazing machine; how we are able to slip so easily back in time, remembering the exact feeling of an experience long since passed is nothing short of fascinating. Before September of 2007, I had never heard of such a thing… a “Green Sheet?” The “Green Sheet” was a tough lesson, an education and a useful tool, neatly outlined on a sheet or two of paper, depending on any given week’s activity. A type of “guidebook” one might say, and one which quickly schooled me on the “art” of public humiliation. As it turns out, Brunswick Georgia “was/is” not only home to a suspect, even corrupt, legal and judicial system, but back then (maybe still?) they also released a weekly “news forum,” which was distributed to all business owners and/or subscribers, providing information about court proceedings, actions filed, loans recorded, and property transfers or exchanges made… ad nauseum. It was upon my first learning of the item’s existence, when I saw my name at the very top of a page under the section titled, “Divorces Filed.” If it hadn’t been for some kid at Emily’s school, I may never have learned about the infamous “Green Sheet.” This kid, whose parents were business owners, subscribers and even a lawyer on the local Glynn County ballot for a judgeship, had obviously shared some salacious information around the dinner table motivating the kid to appear early one morning at Franklin Academy following Al’s divorce service on me, and commence taunting our daughter, then a high-school Junior, about her parent’s very messy and complicated lives.
I learned a lot from that little “resource.” For instance, in the case of a divorce filing it is the Plaintiff’s choice and direction to their counsel whether or not the action gets added to the published material on the “Green Sheet.” I guess it wasn’t enough that Al desperately sought to break and grind me into submission? He was obviously oblivious or worse still, uncaring about the impact such callousness and public flaunting might have on the feelings of his two minor children. I know plenty of people who have gone through nasty divorces, but the majority of those individuals, sincerely don’t want, nor look for ways, to hurt their kids.
Our divorce wasn’t the only item of information revealed in the “Green Sheet” with the name Capone attached, but the other items were somehow lost on me at the time. That’s the thing about “players” like Al. It’s all about the classic “bait and switch” and Al was a master of that game. There was so much garbage being disseminated by Al’s legal team, that I was always on the defensive, clawing my way through every day, desperate to hold on, and stay aboard a horse that was a total psycho, runaway. If I had been more “clued in” and might have known to watch for every single issue of that notorious news bulletin, I’d likely have caught more of the nefarious actions being transacted in a, not so very, behind the scenes manner? Thankfully I had a couple good people in my corner too. One woman in particular who I’ve spoken of previously but is beyond worthy of multiple mentions, was a very successful, local St. Simon’s and Sea Island businessperson. She showed up more than once on my behalf with not only tremendous wisdom, but a few noteworthy emails too. Regrettably, I never knew her terribly well, and I’m not sure why she shared with me the “meaty tidbits,” she did, but I’ll never forget her intervention and will remain appreciative, always! Maybe she understood that the day might come, when I too would be afforded an opportunity to bolster and lend a hand, or show of support to another person going through hell? Whatever drove her motivation to help me, I’ve tried to stay true to the inspiration and strength she shared; Rest in Peace, with much appreciation and love to you KKA!
All of the reported exchanges, transactions and other information shown in those assorted “Green Sheets,” like my divorce service, were a matter of public record…as my kids and I learned the hard way, but I’m still sorry for anyone who ever found themselves blindsided via that same “vehicle.” Speaking of vehicles, it’s odd that in one of Al’s financial “disclosures” in his B/K filing but NOT in our divorce mediation, was a classic, impeccably maintained 1957 Porsche Speedster, a photo of which was featured in one of my more recent blog posts (Triggers & The Truth) and to which Al (or K. Ass) only assigned a valuation of $15,000…for real? Any legit car aficionado would recognize the absurdity of that figure. I sometimes wonder if, or how, any prior knowledge I might of had regarding those numerous exchanges and phony numbers could have impacted the financial statements, both, produced and provided by Al and K. Ass during our settlement mediation in September of 2008? There were exchanges and deals transacted long after Al’s team had been served the requisite “Lis Pendens,” a legal document which is supposed to notify all parties, including legal counsel, to a divorce proceeding and freeze ALL financial transactions; but then…I remember where we were, and it’s just another example of good ol’ Glynn County “justice” at work again?
On, at least, 3 different occasions, I was emailed a highlighted version of the “Green Sheet” detailing various real estate transfers between Al and the very powerful company/resort he worked for, regarding many “exchanges” back and forth over multiple properties. I don’t know how to explain those four to five addresses of lots, or the “nursery tract” of land on St. Simons Island, Georgia that were reportedly deeded, recorded and worth anywhere between $650,000 - $2,200,000 dollars, but some of which were listed on the “Green Sheet” and transacted between Al and “the company” for a mere $3900 dollars? How, exactly, does THAT work?
The discrepancies which overwhelmed our divorce and the nine+ years that followed didn’t result in the “perceived” closure I thought an official dissolution decree and settlement would bring. No, there was more… much, much more, to learn, and I wouldn’t get the opportunity to discover what was needed in time to exact any type of correction! Instead, I scrambled, stumbled, got up again and kept falling, but I never gave up. I fought with every fiber inside me to hang on to my kids, their security, and everything which had been negotiated over two days and resulted in our Marital Settlement Agreement. I could only hope and looked forward to a happier, conflict-free future…however far off that seemed? And as life would have it, was one hell of a long way off. In fact, it, “a conflict-free future” never did appear. In its place, however, is a happier, truthful present. I’m cool with that.
I MAY NOT BE ON SOCIAL MEDIA ANY LONGER FOLLOWING MY IG SUSPENSION, BUT I’M BEYOND GRATEFUL FOR THE 42+ THOUSAND SCREENSHOTS SAVED TO MY DEVICES. INSPIRATION IS TRULY EVERYWHERE…LIKE THIS “JEWEL” FROM @allherwords. MAYBE, HOPEFULLY, SOMEDAY I’LL HAVE AN OPPORTUNITY TO THANK HER ON A DIFFERENT PLATFORM? I HOPE SO!
What helps sustain us through troubled times? Likely, we would each list a varied array of answers to that question. Faith, family, friends, exercise, career success, entertainment or any number of other options might be considered. In my case, it’s a combination of factors; faith for sure, my trusted “tribe” and music top the list. With that in mind, I can’t help but think that some music and a particular song might be apropos right about now. I love all kinds of music, always have… everything from The Rolling Stones, to Andrea Bocelli, Ronnie Milsap, Boz Scaggs, Carole King, Shania Twain, The Beach Boys, Faith Hill, Bob Seger, Wynonna Judd, Gypsy Kings, John Mayer, Jon Pardi, Frank Sinatra, Johnny Cash, Aretha Franklin, Eros Ramazzotti, Herb Alpert, Earth, Wind & Fire, Idina Menzel, Huey Lewis, Luke Combs, Alicia Keys, The Fray, Dionne Warwick, Pablo Cruise, Eric Church, Celine Dion, Morgan Whallen, Pink, Kane Brown, Foreigner, Keith Urban, Toto, Vince Gill, Maren Morris and the list goes on. All told, I can’t help but recognize that every genre is filled with “stories and messages” that resonate with me for almost any situation in which I might find myself, but today it’s a country artist that speaks to my state of mind. While we share almost nothing in common, particularly since I can’t sing my way out of a paper bag, am far older, and not blond, I confess that I kind-of idolize Miranda Lambert, and genuinely wish I channeled a whole lot more of her kick-ass attitude. Maybe if I possessed even an iota of her fiery spirit, I wouldn’t have subjected myself to walking past Al’s large Cedar closet on Tabby Lane overflowing with rack upon rack of his signature “uniform” for months and months on my way to the even larger bathroom and shower just beyond. Maybe I’d have had the “chutzpah” to strip every hanger, clear every shelf, and dump the contents of each drawer containing his miscellany and leave it outside…either on the tiny strip of road which was home to Cottage 64, or the Black Banks doorstep, burn it in a bonfire on the beach, or donate it to a homeless shelter? There were many people during the Fall of 2007 who suggested I do exactly that. I couldn’t though. I was weak and afraid, fearful of the retaliation Al might take?
BIG KUDOS AND RESPECT TO “OLE BLUE EYES” AND SUGARBOO DESIGNS; I MUST HAVE OVER 5 COLLECTIONS OF THEIR “GATHERED THOUGHTS” CARDS, BUT THIS PARTICULAR ONE COULDN’T BE MORE “SPOT ON” RIGHT ABOUT NOW!
Thank God, any feeling of fear I once had of Al is gone. Pity and disgust…maybe, but no fear. Inner growth and strength occurs later, rather than sooner for some people, and I guess it looks like I am one of those types. With that in mind, I bow to you, Miranda Lambert and applaud not just this one, but each of your musical expressions of bravery! So, to anyone who’s not already a fan, go ahead… “put that sucker on spin” and check out this gem…
“It All Comes Out in the Wash” by Miranda Lambert
If you wear a white shirt to a crawfish boil
Stonewashed jeans while you're changing the oil
When you find yourself dating the bridesmaid's ex
You accidentally bring him to the wedding, whoops
If you pour yourself a Merlot to go
You dip your fries in your ketchup on a bumpy road
You spill the beans to your mama, sister got knocked up
In a truck at the Seven-Eleven, don't sweat it
Cause it'll all come out, all come out in the wash
It'll all come out, all come out in the wash
Every little stain, every little heartbreak, no matter how messy it got
You take the sin and the men and you throw 'em all in
And you put that sucker on spin
You got frisky with your boss at the copy machine
You drunk-dialed your ex-husband, don't remember a thing
Had a fancy dinner at your mother-in-law's
Spilled A-one Sauce on her table cloth, don't sweat it
A Tide stick will get it
It'll all come out, all come out in the wash
(All come out in the wash)
It'll all come out, all come out in the wash
(All come out in the wash)
Every little stain, every little heartbreak, no matter how messy it got
You take the sin and the men and you throw 'em all in
And then you put that sucker on spin
Put that sucker on spin
You gotta put that sucker on spin
And the laundry list goes like this
Every teardrop, every white lie
Every dirty cotton sheet, let it line dry
All the mistakes, all the wild streaks
That's why the good Lord made bleach, oh
Cause it'll all come out, all come out in the wash
(All come out in the wash)
It'll all come out, all come out in the wash
(All come out in the wash)
Every little stain, every little heartbreak, no matter how messy it got
You take the sin and the men and you throw 'em all in
And you put that sucker on spin
Put that sucker on spin
Yeah, put that sucker on spin
Yeah, you put that sucker on spin
(And around and around and around and around we go)
('Round and around and around and around we go)
Until a year or two ago, I operated under the assumption that it was only Al who failed to honor the requirements of our MSA, specifically the “Undisclosed Asset” provision, but as the recent past reveals, I have a few of my own “undisclosed assets” to share. Tenacity, strength, bravery, integrity, loyalty, and boundaries are qualities or more importantly ASSETS, which I absolutely do possess. Establishing boundaries is a fairly recent accomplishment and has been awfully costly, but I don’t regret paying the price. The list of assets I have prioritized for myself may not be the kind that matter to people like Al, but I believe it’s likely that Al’s accumulation of broken lives and promises, combined with his hoarding of lies and filth is much tougher to tote around? I’ll bet it’s that very assumption which makes my selection of Miranda’s song above all the more relevant? Any thoughts?
CUSTOM ARTWORK BY A TALENTED ARTIST AND DEAR FRIEND… “DERBY DAY”
“FRIDAY AT FIVE-ISH,” WITH ONE OF MY MOST FAVORITE WEEKENDS AHEAD… THE KENTUCKY DERBY TOMORROW, THE TRADITIONAL KICK-OFF TO THE ANNUAL RANCHEROS VISITADORES RIDE, AND MOTHER’S DAY WEEKEND TO BOOT! A BIG, HEARTY CHEERS, AND HAPPY, SAFE WISHES TO ALL.
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