“Stand for Something…or You’ll Fall for Anything…”

My heart is heavy, and I feel on edge! Whether it’s the tragedy that has occurred and continues to unfold or even worsen in Afghanistan; the horrid effects that Hurricane Ida has left in her wake; a hugely contentious “Recall Election” about to take place in California; enormous political divide across the country and our world at large; political leaders who are allegedly in charge yet seem so out of touch with anything, anyone, or any cause which doesn’t serve their own agenda…all of it is both frightening and unfathomable. While I watch our world come unwound, I wonder what we’re going to do with all the little pieces of our hearts and resolve that feel like they’re being chipped away at, and left to litter the ground like tiny pieces of gravel, to be walked upon and eventually become nothing more than dust? Wow...sometimes I have to just pause and tell myself, “Missy, STOP!” That’s an awfully depressing chain of thoughts linked together in one statement, and yet it’s an apt depiction of all that I feel right now, with everything that’s going on both around and within me. There are a few deeply ingrained parts of my being that I cling to when I’m feeling fragile and unsure about the future, which is definitely how I’m feeling these days. Those intrinsic symbols of security that renew my hope, providing me the strength to stand firm in my resolve, and reinforce my commitment to honor, integrity and character are pretty basic. The first is my faith in God; the next is an incredibly deep devotion to America, our flag, patriotism and liberty; third, but every bit as significant is the gift and presence of my daughter in my life, whose loyalty, steadfastness and friendship makes everything better and helps me stay anchored in the present. Finally, the last quality which emboldens my spirit and conviction, is in the knowing of myself. Knowing that I am a survivor, knowing that I have strong principles, knowing that I’m NOT afraid to stand up for what I believe in, and being able to write and express all of those tenets here is nothing short of a true “God-send!” “DearEasyDiaries” was not created, nor is it meant, to be a political, academic or religious platform; instead it is a way for me to share, see and validate my experiences. You don’t have to like or agree with me, nor any of what I believe in. Regardless of our individual views, we have ALL experienced certain life circumstances that have shaped us and COULD serve to bolster or help one another if we are able to share them in a secure way. That’s precisely what DearEasyDiaries is for me, and it would be so gratifying if I thought it was possible for you to feel the same way...safe, connected, and a part of a bigger community where we can share our deepest concerns and expose our vulnerabilities, without feeling judged, attacked or at risk. Hopefully, that is what I’m going to be able to communicate, invite, provide and share moving forward? If I haven’t been clear enough already, in expressing those intentions, I hope that message is what you take away now?

It’s not even been two weeks since America lost 13 patriots, who served and made the ultimate sacrifice for our country. So too, in the days since, we have all learned that America lost much more as a by-product of that awful tragedy. As a country, we have lost the trust of our allies, the respect of other countries, and I fear far, far more as well? What’s worse, those realities don’t even contemplate the $85+ BILLION dollars of American military weaponry handed over to a terrorist nation. For the past several weeks, I’ve been consumed with watching the US withdrawal from Afghanistan and its aftermath. Last week, as the news was broadcasting that our 20-year war was over, I was struck far more deeply by the visual images that were being shown across every form of media. Whether it was the picture showing one of our MANY United States military helicopters left behind for the Taliban, from which a civilian was being hung and swinging through the skies; families speaking on television about their Marine family member’s deaths, the utter disgust expressed for the lack of respect demonstrated by our nation’s leader; pictures of text messages from an Afghan aide and translator who facilitated our current President’s, (then Senator) and others escape from Afghanistan in 2008, begging to be rescued but to no avail; babies, young children and adults being beaten; the visuals, and news, of young girls and women being gathered up and distributed to Taliban fighters to be raped, abused and God forbid worse; and now we face the reality that there are planeloads of Americans and Afghan allies being detained by the Taliban until “America” negotiates (aka, pays for) their release? Sorry, but since when does America negotiate with known terrorists? Could America’s position in the world be any more untenable and vulnerable? Unfortunately, I fear it could?

Those crates are filled w/ American K-9 Service members, left behind in Afghanistan.

Those rows of dog crates shown left behind, with live service K9’s within them, hit me particularly hard, as I feel so strongly grateful for and appreciative of the value, service and companionship of our four- legged “family.” Canine loss is not the equivalent of human loss…I understand, but I would argue that those canines were soldiers too; they fought alongside their human military counterparts and saved countless lives with their own set of skills, heart and allegiance. Awaking almost daily to see the lines upon lines of Taliban fighters, dressed in American military uniforms, wielding a massive battery of artillery and a multi-BILLION dollar cache of American weaponry and vehicles that our administration authorized leaving behind, is absolutely devastating to contemplate. I vividly remember the morning of September 11, 2001. I know exactly where I was, what I was doing, and how I felt that day. That horrendous memory is uncomfortably similar to how I feel today, with the 20th Anniversary of that deadly occasion just days away. I think about the families that sacrificed their own flesh and blood, enduring such devastating loss and suffering, and I try to comprehend the disbelief and devastation that hundreds of thousands of families over the past 20 years have felt every day since. I imagine it must feel like 20 years of blood, sacrifice, and loss, combined with our past efforts to bring freedom, education and a better way of life to the “Afghanni” people, was all for naught? What’s more is if that’s how I’m feeling, I can’t fathom the grief, sense of abandonment, and defeat that’s being experienced by the United States Military, their families and those who made the ultimate sacrifice for our country, and the freedom America has always represented; it’s mind-numbing!

Meanwhile, we’ve got the devastation of a natural disaster in Hurricane Ida ravaging huge areas of the south and northeast; earthquake devastation in Haiti, as well as the ongoing division, polarization and politicization of an aggressive and potentially lethal virus continuing to plague our world. Communities are at war with one another and their individual perspectives on how to effectively combat an invisible enemy generating such devastation and feverish emotion. Yet the people we turn to for leadership are often so focused on their personal agendas, power and financial gain, that we can’t rely on any degree of objectivity or interest in the public’s well-being to prevail?

One of our country’s most visible politicians has publicly honored the death and memory of a succession of several dubious lives ended in questionable circumstances and police fire; yet that same politician has refused to say the names or honor the memory of the 13 young military lives just taken at the hands of Taliban terror aggression in Afghanistan? What on earth is happening in the world, and how are we supposed to accept, much less assume that this is our new “normal?” America is being tested to our very core. I’m continually stunned by the duplicity of our state and federal officials. It’s beyond bizarre to me that individuals who are intricately involved with, or hold a personal and vested interest in a “potential fix,” for anyone of the country’s maladies, be it mask, vaccine, isolation mandates, or the MOSTLY “rules for thee, but not for me” mentality, are permitted to hold public office or espouse theories that are strictly self-serving and biased. I’m more disenchanted in our country’s leaders (from both parties) than I’ve ever felt previously or thought possible. America has most always and should continue to represent a beacon of hope and light on the greater world scene, but instead the majority of what America faces and represents, currently, is overwhelmingly discouraging and negative. Ok... (at least temporarily) I’m stepping off my “soap box,” but not before I implore you to check out the Instagram accounts of @reopensandiego, @sandiegoriseup and @rooted.wings. On August 31st, just last week, Southern California held several public meetings regarding proposed community mandates, and there were two women who spoke out, and each blew me away with their, different, but oh so effective messages, and the powerful yet humble manner in which they reached their audiences! One woman was addressing her local school board in Encinitas, and the other was a, self-proclaimed immigrant from Sinaloa, who bravely spoke in her second language to the San Diego County Board of Supervisors; both administered a dramatic and compelling “dressing down” to the “so-called powers that be!” I promise…if you want to see some good-old fashioned “a**-kicking,” check out those IG feeds!

If you’re thinking...she’s “slipped a cog,” or gone nuts, and you’re asking yourself, why is she taking this all so personally, and what’s with the compulsion to raise and examine this sad state of affairs; I get it! You aren’t the first to wonder about or challenge my very outspoken concerns, and if you’re still reading...thank you, I’m super appreciative! Most often when I try to engage people in this type of conversation, they brush me off with statements like, “just let it go;” “one person can’t really change anything;” “it’s going to be what it’s going to be...” or “you/I, can’t actually make a difference.” I’ve also heard retorts like, “that’s not politically correct,” “you might really offend someone,” or “I couldn’t possibly say that...it would seriously damage my career.” I respect those people’s views, even if I don’t share their sentiments, because I understand that’s the reality of this life, even if it’s not a reality I like. Maybe the worst reason I’ve ever heard someone offer as a rebuttal to my passionate concerns come from people who ACTUALLY tell me “they don’t care!” To that kind of indifference, I say... first, I’m sorry, how sad; second, what can I do to convince you otherwise?”

I’ve just shared about last week’s examples on social media of some truly brave individuals who stood up to address their concerns about the continuing issue of lockdowns, mandates and the tyranny of public officials overstepping the scope of their elected positions in EXPONENTIALLY profound ways. I’m not sure if I effectively emphasized though how genuinely blown away and impressed by their individual indignation at the specific injustices to which they spoke. Both of those women continue to inspire me and are partially responsible for the direction in which this blog entry is going. I’ve been “stuck,” i.e., paralyzed by this particular post, and must have started and stopped writing at least six to seven times. A big part of my hesitation, (thus far) to make my way to the end of this “chapter” is due to fear. I’m reluctant to confess, but have to “own” my hesitation to be criticized for the several new characteristics (be they good or bad) that have become such an integral part of who I am. I spent many years hiding from my incredibly strong opinions, and it’s still difficult, at times, to feel confident sharing my thoughts and feelings. For so long, I was encouraged to, and actually rewarded for remaining silent, that the reversal of course towards opening up about my viewpoints remains a struggle. It’s tough to consistently shake those shadows, and continue down the path of giving voice to my feelings and history. The memories of being ridiculed and shamed for speaking my mind are still there, but thank heavens they now occupy a much-diminished space in my head. Every so often, however, a flash of insecurity reappears, and quite likely that’s why those two women from Instagram resonated with me so? They stood up... in front of crowds, lights, microphones and spoke...BOLDLY against the injustices they were challenging and the parties responsible for imposing such questionable, and isolating, measures. Those two “beacons of light” demonstrated enormous courage, resolve and bravery as they exhibited a will to call out “the dicktators” (purposely misspelled) in question. That type of strength is something, which thus far, I’ve only been brave enough to address in writing. While my impetus to start DearEasyDiaries originated from a different place than giving witness to last week’s powerful example of the courage to speak, I’m only just beginning, and what’s more, I’m more motivated than ever to continue on. I’m not going to back off, back down, or retreat. Who knows; maybe next year that will be me speaking out, risking more, and conquering a new challenge? I hope so.

It has been a long road to get where I am today, and while I’m usually a fairly positive and upbeat person, I’ve found myself pretty shaken recently, questioning my deeper “purpose?” That feeling is super uncomfortable, but I want, and need, to find a way to live and serve with greater meaning, and so I think I need to stay in the “abyss” a while longer? To leave a footprint representing a significant contribution in our world, is not just a “bullet point on my bucket list” but a real aspiration; how am I going to get there? Do you ever feel like there is a very specific reason you were put here on this earth, but you’ve yet to nail down the exact steps that will set that ship on its course? If you have read more than one or two blog posts, maybe you’ve noticed, I find myself questioning my purpose a good bit, and lately, it’s happening with even more frequency. Doubt often gets me thinking, and spinning in a whole new way than I otherwise go through life? I wonder about the challenging times, and the ways that I’ve faced and survived it all thus far. I’ve known adversity, and whether it has been attributed to health-related issues, emotional trials, or certain betrayals and deceptions that I was ill- equipped to face, I’ve managed to hang on, and remain here to tell the tale (loud and proud) even if I still catch myself wondering about the WHY? Because I recognize my pattern of being repetitive, I won’t elaborate here, as I’m normally tempted to do, about the issues I’ve struggled to overcome, but I will tell you I’ve renewed my commitment to showing courage, to the people I care about, to you, and to myself... to step up and pick up the pace on this journey towards bravery and justice that I find myself traveling.

In the past six months or so, I’ve had readers reach out to me, and I want to thank you. It’s an interesting process to expose yourself, your story and your vulnerabilities in this forum. I’m deeply touched each time, someone shares a piece of their own reality with me…which may, or may not, parallel parts of mine. Those disclosures that have been shared with me, are kind of like “directional signs” guiding my steps and showing me that there is INDEED more that I can do to right some of the wrongs and injustices of our pasts. My daughter (“editor”) is constantly reminding me to proceed cautiously when she thinks I’m getting too political; as such, she rolled her eyes and was hyper-vigilant when asking me about the message of this post and what my goal was in writing about the political aspects of the world right now, rather than focusing on the more personal topics, which seem to have so resonated with you thus far? Did I really feel like the long, politically-charged narrative introducing this post was something I was sure of and committed to publishing? Her, not so subtle, probing and insightful questions remind me that I’m definitely not a news journalist, and this “vehicle” is merely a way for me to share the dysfunction of a life which I’ve survived, as have so many others. Of that, I’m pretty certain, and I always try to assure her that I am aware of what’s relevant and what’s not, as I have also tried to be very upfront about who I am. I am a resilient, flawed, but genuine person; one who has been used, and my naiveté often abused, but also one who knows (very well) how blessed and fortunate I am too! That sounds like an odd dichotomy, but it’s my reality and it has taken me a LONG time to be able to accept and express it. There are many who will refuse, or will misunderstand why I’m doing this? Why am I willing to expose some seriously UGLY facts, and in so doing, subject myself to judgment, criticism, even hate and potentially pain? I’ll tell you why. I’ve ALREADY experienced much of that evil and at the hands of people who either, allegedly, cared for me, or within a system and its arbiters, who were/are tasked to “fairly,” under an umbrella of tenets and codes..... administer JUSTICE. Here’s the catch, and sorry for the “punctuating” language...but that’s all just crap! The system to which I refer is the legal and judicial branch of various regional governments, and how deftly and thoroughly it can be manipulated to protect the powerful, the abusers and the financial players who know exactly how to contort it.

Brief segue...

Recently I saw a headline cross my Instagram feed about a televised interview with an outdated “fixture” of the entertainment business who had finally finished serving the entirety of his multi-year prison sentence for a variety of offenses for which he was tried and found guilty of committing. It caught my attention for a number of reasons, not the least of which was that I had been his employee (executive secretary/assistant) for a short time in the mid-80’s. After college and my graduation from Katherine Gibbs Business school, I returned to California from my year in Boston and convinced myself that a job in the entertainment business and Hollywood sounded like a fun idea and possible career path. I ended up enjoying a couple pretty interesting “stints” in the industry while working for both Aaron Spelling Productions and then William Morris Agency respectively, but before landing either of those jobs, I must have had a dozen or so interviews which were either a dismal failure on my part, or positions that were total “duds” and completely uninteresting. Regardless of the reason, none of those “options” worked out. Two interviews, however, went very well, and I was offered jobs at each. The first position was at Merv Griffin Studios; I was hired to be an assistant in the “booking department.” Initially, it seemed like a pretty exciting opportunity with the potential to grow within the company. The offices were right in the middle of Hollywood, and when I arrived on my first day, I pulled into the chain-link fenced, employee parking lot located just down the block and around the corner, before walking the short distance to the building’s entrance. The day proceeded just fine; admittedly it wasn’t quite as intriguing as was originally described, nor as I had imagined. Nonetheless, I was going to give it a try; that is until just shortly after 6:00 p.m.that evening! It was late in the Fall, so when I left the building and started the brief walk back to my car, it was already dark outside, and the same scene which appeared harmless at 8:30 am earlier in the day, newly resembled what I imagine a scene from Chainsaw Massacre must look like? (Albeit dramatic, that was my takeaway!) I hadn’t even rounded the corner of the first block yet when some crazy-looking, shirtless man crossed the street to trail after me and started yelling “jibberish.” Truly, he was getting louder and louder as I walked faster and faster, not having a clue as to what he was saying, and not caring either. I just wanted to make it to my car. Finally, I was running (in a dress and heels) and the man was now screaming, waving his arms in the air, and getting closer and closer. I could feel my chest pounding but was afraid to look back to gauge his progress. A minute or two later, it no longer mattered; I reached my car, opened the door, slid quickly behind the wheel, and headed for the open gate of that chain-link fence. I reached the street safely, but it was only then I realized the screaming man was still standing right outside the gate; he was just standing there, still shouting. Thankfully it was ALL in my rear-view mirror? I NEVER saw that man again, and I also never went back to that job. That day would be my first and last with Merv Griffin. I may not have had the courage back then that I have now, but even then, I realized my worth and sanity would not be well served by staying in a job that held the power to terrify me each time I walked to my car in the evening, never mind daylight savings time; even if the whole time change thing would make a difference...it still wasn’t worth it! That leads me back to the reason for starting this “little” diversion. The very next job for which I applied, and was interviewed, I was hired as well. This time, the job and office was located in a very safe looking building off Sunset Boulevard, and had an underground parking garage with security...HUGE improvement. The job description was fairly vague, but included being the personal assistant to a private investigator, who was, allegedly, according to him, a pretty big deal and a “fixer” within Hollywood circles. I had no idea, at the time, what that actually meant, but the man was interesting, and I needed a job. He talked and moved at light speed, which kept me on my toes and made the hours sail by. He was also genuinely kind, even if slightly crude from the end of the phone conversations I could hear. The work was straightforward...make and answer calls, send communications, take notes, and decide what to have delivered for lunch, and schedule his dinner reservations... definitely NOT rocket science! I made it through the first day in fine fashion, and not only recognized, but was thrilled, that the salary I would receive was considerably higher than the job description should normally command. At the time, just one day in, I took it in stride, and saw no need to raise, what should have been, the obvious question? It was the second week, when on late Thursday morning, shortly before the time “Mr. T” liked to take lunch, when he mentioned that I should bring a small bag to work the following day. He explained that “we” were scheduled to meet a client at the client’s home in Palm Springs, and it would be a very long day; he was sure I’d want a change of clothes. In fact, he continued on, I should probably always plan to have a small travel bag at the office? I didn’t know what to say, so I said nothing, but the thoughts in my mind were going a mile a minute! There had been no mention of anything like this at the interview, nor for the last week and a half that I had been working for him? “Mr. T” had been totally reasonable, a complete gentleman and seemed perfectly harmless up until that point. I didn’t bring the subject up again for the remainder of the day, but felt a distinct pang of panic. The previous fast-paced days were a thing of the past, and the minutes until 5:30 appeared on the clock couldn’t move quickly enough. I also couldn’t get out of that parking garage fast enough that evening, particularly when I already knew that would be my last day on that job. My track record in the entertainment business was certainly sketchy so far. It wasn’t that “Mr. T” had done anything wrong, but I didn’t like the idea of the whole travel thing, or the way he had sprung the idea on me, all last “minute-ish,” and for whatever reason (that I still can’t explain) I knew, again, to trust my gut instinct. I got home, waited til about 9:00 that evening and called the office, leaving a message on “Mr. T’s” voicemail explaining that I wouldn’t be returning to work. I didn’t explain anything further; I just hung up and took a long, deep breath. Understandably…..it blew me away a couple weeks ago, (some 35+ years later) when I realized that the interview I was watching on Fox, was with my old Boss, even if… for only nine days. “Mr. T” went on to explain to the show’s host, who always has a fascinating roster of guests, that he had gone through his entire (it was quite lengthy) jail sentence, and hadn’t “ratted or snitched “on a single one of his former clients, even though he had received many offers of book deals etc..., and those options would probably have been very lucrative. I’ll bet! While I sat there watching, listening and digesting the reality of what I was hearing, I couldn’t help but think to myself, “gosh, is that what I’m doing when I tell the truth of my experiences, and chronicle my story?” Am I “snitching?” My guess is there are plenty of people right about now who would answer that question with a resounding yes. Regardless of those “trained, paid puppets and other duplicitous actors,” I KNOW, too well, the truth of my circumstances, the odds and the forces I fought, as well as the unbelievable efforts of my Ex, his attorneys and then Justices, to protect and cover a list of “misdeeds” and truths from being discovered or exposed! I’m also aware that there are plenty of other people who have gone through some, or maybe more, of the same traumatic (“dramatic” is just not a strong enough word) experiences that I’ve faced and hopefully, are bolstered, comforted, and validated by reading the truths of people like myself, who are willing to take heat for speaking up and detailing a litany of “uncomfortable realities,” which substantiate the very real existence of all kinds of “monsters!” I hope all those “like souls” feel empowered and hopeful, knowing they are not alone. If just one or two people feel encouraged by my story, it’s worth all the “nasty names” or hateful reactions I receive.

Unlike “Mr. T’s” dubious reasons for remaining quiet, the question I ask myself is clear....how could I live with myself if I had “documented proof” of a crime (yes, actual fraud and rampant corruption in Glynn County, Georgia and Santa Barbara, California) being committed, and stand by without speaking up? Under what circumstance would I feel comfortable watching the same injustice my children and I endured being perpetuated on others and remain silent? The answer is NONE; there is no circumstance in which I could blithely ignore an absolute injustice, if I thought I held the power to effectuate a change, or at the very least give it my best try. Things get pretty real, pretty quickly, when that’s the standard you set for yourself, and for what courage represents. My kids were raised hearing me say, “to whom much is given, much is expected,” and the same applies to me.

I waited a long time to disclose all this, but not on purpose; much of it I never saw coming, and didn’t consider “it” to as serious as it was and most likely still remains? Everything was revealed in bits and pieces. However once my children were both adults, over 22, gainfully employed, and I could look myself in the mirror, every single morning and night with a clean conscience, knowing deep in my soul that I had given them (my kids) the very best that I had...my heart, my effort and my time, nothing else mattered much after that. The only other “family” I had left, that hadn’t already betrayed and shattered my trust, I could count on one hand, and the REAL friends that I had or have left are, roughly, but equally numbered. Other than my respect and reverence for God and the amazing blessings that remain in my world, I’m not afraid anymore...of anything! I’ve lived super high, and I’ve hit super lows, but I KNOW I can turn lemons into lemonade with enough heart and “try,” and that’s really all I need. I’m not willing to cower for public acceptance or favor...and for me, that’s an enormously comforting, peaceful, and very empowering state of mind. Whether I’m standing for our flag, a well-fought personal freedom, or the principles and people I hold dear, if I stand beside you, you can bet I’m going to give “you” and whatever we are standing for, my all.

Meanwhile, as I watch division, deception and a calculating demographic of people continue to command the attention and policies of the world at large, I am reminded of another VERY recent deception and betrayal that occurred in my own life, and another circumstance from which I will NOT back down! Admittedly and obviously, the transgression and violation that occurred in my life is nothing in comparison to what’s occurring on the world scene right now, but it is relative, if only in terms that we ALL need to be truly diligent in overseeing and protecting the details of our lives, and be oh so careful as to whom we give access to our information, power and the potential threat to do harm to either ourselves or worse... everything and all that we hold dear.

August, 2021

The date circled on the picture of the calendar above references the day my last blog entry was posted. At the time, I had promised myself to be more scheduled and forthcoming with my blog entries, but I also, at the time, did not know, YET, that my personal email account had been hacked, with thousands of emails over several years being “rerouted” to one specific IP address? The way in which I discovered the breach was super coincidental.....or was it?

My shrink (said with affection and humor) that I used to see, Steve, (mentioned often in previous blog posts) used to claim that many of my life experiences seemed to be filled with an unusual number of “anomalies.” When Steve initially relayed that “tidbit” to me and suggested I examine the thought/idea more closely, I was going through a challenging period in my life, and while I noticed the occurrence of some odd events as well as the sequence in which the instances appeared, I never contemplated the possibility that there was a much larger picture, and force, operating behind each of the individual events. I definitely never contemplated that the events might have been connected to, or resulted from the actions of someone in my life that I knew…and KNEW (past tense emphasized) really well? I know now!

If you happened to read my last blog post, you might remember that I recently took some “heat” regarding my penchant for texting, as well as learning that I’m not immune from repeating behaviors and habits that haven’t always served me well. That interaction woke me up, and I’m recommitted to working overtime to ensure that those behaviors don’t continue to occur. With that said, my previously preferred method of communication via texting or email, originated out of my need to protect myself during my painfully long divorce process and its aftermath that filled so many years of my life. For each of those nine years and beyond, I felt as though I needed proof, or evidence, of every specific exchange that happened, as I knew that I might be called to recount such events to either lawyers, assorted courts, or both. Too often, those exact interactions I feared and kept careful track of, turned out to be essential in my defense against certain “monsters” and the systems that enabled their reign, be it in the legal world, or within family structures. That time is gone, and while it may have taken me too long and could prove to be a slow-going process moving forward, those old worn-out habits, like the time itself, are all heading in the same direction...AWAY. In fact, to that point, on Monday, August 9, when I checked my cell very late in the afternoon and saw a missed call from one of my attorneys, rather than wait until the next morning when I could regroup and email or respond in what would, normally, feel like a “safe” manner, I, instead, boldly redialed the number and prepared myself to face whatever news was on its way! I haven’t had much occasion to correspond with attorneys over the past couple years, as I was once so accustomed, and I wasn’t sure what to expect. For a moment, I wondered if I had some outstanding invoice that I had let slip through the cracks, or if maybe they needed an updated address to send files? Instead...what I learned was that I had, indeed, failed to respond to a correspondence, but it wasn’t an outstanding invoice or address update. No, as I learned through the process of that call, I had, apparently, failed to ANSWER several emails which had been sent my way, over a period of two to three months? Excuse me, whaaat? While none of the communications were of imminent importance, and probably the reason why any really serious “red flags” weren’t raised sooner, the fact remained several emails were sent to me and I hadn’t received a single one? They were just gone; out there floating somewhere through cyberspace? After speaking to my attorney and learning of the “unanswered emails,” I immediately and thoroughly scoured through my “junk” and “trash” email files looking for the missing messages. NOTHING! I got to thinking about Steve and his remark about the odd succession of anomalies that played such a distinct part of my life for several years, and I called again and suggested to my attorney that we dig a little deeper into the mysterious disappearances. My attorney agreed and for the next fifteen minutes or so, I waited to receive the four missing, but newly resent communications? Still nothing. So I followed up and offered an additional idea; again, my lawyer agreed and acted upon the new suggestion. Sure enough, the new, “alternative” method proved successful. I had given my attorney a private, second email to use as a “bcc” for transmittal of the missing emails, which were then RESENT to my main email address, as well as the “bcc.” The errant emails were indeed delivered to the “bcc” site, but still nothing to my main email address! There it was…the anomaly! I’m not an expert in tech support, any more than I am an expert in any other field, but over the past decade I have sent and received more than my fair share of emails, and yet I had never considered this type of violation before.

What pain can look like.

Thankfully, there ARE “techie-type” experts available. People who can take information like what I discovered and are able to track that type of fraudulent activity. (I believe intercepting, rerouting or otherwise tampering with legal correspondence is a felony, but I’ll double check that to confirm!) What would happen next? As had happened for so many years, my vulnerability was once again at risk, and I felt violated. This situation was made worse, and painfully personal, because I know the source of the betrayal, and I’m left reeling from the twisting of a knife which has been thrust squarely in the middle of my back. Steve’s past illustration of the bizarre anomalies which presented themselves in my life, came back to “roost.” Suddenly a couple recent conversations with a past friend, who angrily accused me of “ghosting them” after they had done me a favor and sent me (via email) some information I was seeking, made sense. Before my new “email mess” discovery came to light, I had no clue what the person was referring to, and why he was so angry? Why would I ignore the delivery of information and answers which I had specifically asked to receive? The whole thing was a mystery? But, no longer! Now, I know exactly what that indignant person was talking about, and if I were in their shoes, I’d probably feel the exact same way? I’m left wondering how many other similar instances might be out there? What else could I, or did I miss? After all, there were thousands of emails rerouted! It will take several more weeks to learn the extent of subterfuge that occurred, but find out...I will.

Truth!

In the meantime, I needed to reach out to all of you and share the turmoil that I’ve been struggling to sort out. I’m reminded over and over again about the actions that have shaped me and which continue to influence who I am, and the paths that lay ahead. Who, or what I will choose to keep and pursue in my life? I’m not sure I can answer that in precise detail right now, but I can, with 100% certainty, say I’m going to start choosing “that and those” who choose me! To that end, I am also going to continue standing up, and standing firmly, for EVERYTHING that I believe in, and also for those who need someone to stand for them, when they are unable to do it themselves.....or at least, not just yet!